RED DWARF - SERIES 8 EPISODE 1 -- "BACK IN THE RED Part 1"
[-- - Model/CGI shot ------------------------------------------------]
[Inside a vast, man-made structure]
[-- - Int. Small, cell-like room -----------------------------------]
[LISTER, RIMMER present]
LISTER
Remember Argyle Somerfield, an old movie star? Eighty-three, according to
this, an' he's just had a baby with his nurse!
'"It was love at first sight", she cooed, "I've always liked older men."'
God, if she ever ran into Tutankhamen he wouldn't stand a chance! She'd
have his bandages off before you can say "silicon implants". There's some
pictures of them here with the new-born.
LISTER
There's Argyle, and there's the baby.
No no no no, *there's* Argyle, and *there's* the baby! I was thrown for a
minute by the bib and the bonnet. Thought that was the baby at first!
LISTER
An eighty-three year old dad! How's that gonna work? I bet *he's* not
gonna get up in the middle of the night to give the baby its feed. Probably
pretend to be dead!
LISTER
"Darling, can you give the baby his bottle tonight?"
It's not gonna work, is it?
LISTER
The only advantage, as far as I can see, is the wife can change both their
nappies at the same time.
LISTER
Are you still not talking to me? It's unbelievably childish, y' know.
I've a good mind to fill your shoes with runny porridge again. Teach you
a lesson about maturity...
LISTER
All right, I'll tell you what: I bet I can make you say something in the
next... minute. Twenty big ones. Shake on it...
LISTER
All right, if I'm on, say nothing.
I'm on! Okay. I'm gonna say something, all right, an' you're gonna totally
lose it. Are you ready? Y' ready?
All right. Several years ago, when money was not abundant, and I needed
- I mean *medically needed* - a pint, I took some money from your purse.
Oh God, it was horrible going in there. 'The wallet that time forgot'.
Not that there was any point; the barman on B-deck wouldn't serve me. He
said doubloons weren't legal tender any more. Said you should have handed
them in after the Spanish Armada!
LISTER
Thought that'd get you going. You hate digs about your stinginess.
Usually makes you so agitated that you've gotta go and make a cup of tea
with a brand new teabag. Well, still, plenty of time to go.
LISTER
Remember Yvonne McGruder?
You really liked her, didn't you? I used to go out with her, y'know.
Before you did. You didn't know that, did you? Broke up in the end. Really
hurt me. Still got the scars today. They never heal, carpet burns, do they?
LISTER
*Both cheeks, man*! She nearly wore them down to the *bone*!
RIMMER
*Will you shut up!*
LISTER
What did I tell you? Twenty big ones!
RIMMER
I've been listening to you whittling on now for what seems like two ice
ages! My mind is so numb and brain-dead I feel like I've just attended a
three-day seminar entitled "The Future of Plumbing". Have you any idea how
irritating you've just been? You're a master! There are things you could
teach to tropical skin diseases!
LISTER
Well, talk to me then.
RIMMER
No.
LISTER
Look, I'm sorry, okay? How many times do you want me to say it? I - am -
sorry!
RIMMER
No - you're - not!
LISTER
It was an accident!
RIMMER
An accident? You poured a hole tube of it over me, you disgusting,
rotting, fetid piece of congealed monkey-vomit.
LISTER
Oh, at last you're talking to me. I knew we'd make it up.
*Eighty-three*!
[-- - Interlude -----------------------------------------------------]
"3 DAYS EARLIER"
[-- - Model/CGI shot ------------------------------------------------]
[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit ------------------------------------------]
[CAT present, at his station at the helm, others presumed out-of-shot]
[Suddenly, CAT blinks in disbelief and stares out of the cockpit bubble.
Before him, space has turned red. A vast metal redness that stretches up,
down, left, and right - miles in any direction.]
[-- - Model/CGI shot ------------------------------------------------]
CAT [VO]
This thing's even bigger than I remember...
[CAT pilots Starbug into the docking tunnel. Even taking his natural flying
skills into account, there's no danger whatsoever that Starbug may scrape
the sides of the tunnel as it has done so many times in the past - there is
a curiously large amount of empty space between the transport craft and
the tunnel walls.
Starbug emerges into the docking bay, and suddenly, something very
important becomes apparent. There is a Starbug already docked... a very
*large* Starbug in a very *large* docking bay. Starbug's engines suddenly
seem to buzz, insect-like, in the vastness of the docking bay, and CAT
deftly pilots his 'Bug under the bulbous body of the other craft and
through it's pillar-like legs]
CAT [VO]
Errr, guyyys... we've got a problem..!
[-- - Model/CGI shot ------------------------------------------------]
[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit ------------------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present]
[Enter LISTER]
LISTER
Hey guys! Look at my body!
CAT
There's an invitation that will *not* cause a stampede.
LISTER
No! It's back to normal.
KRYTEN
No time for that now, sir. We're flying down a corridor on Red Dwarf and
Starbug appears to be expanding.
[-- - Model/CGI shot ------------------------------------------------]
[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit -----------------------------------------]
KOCHANSKI
It's not Starbug that's expanding, it's Red Dwarf that's shrinking!
LISTER
It must be something to do with the nanobot's molecular process. Just
like my body!
[-- - Model/CGI shot -----------------------------------------------]
[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit -----------------------------------------]
CAT
We're being sucked into a vent!
[-- - Model/CGI shot -----------------------------------------------]
CAT [VO]
Can't fight it!
[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit -----------------------------------------]
KOCHANSKI
Air vent walls closing in.
KRYTEN
We must take action. Be bold, positive, decisive. Suggest we move from
blue alert to red alert, sir.
CAT
Forget red! Let's go all the way up to brown alert!
KRYTEN
But there's no such thing as brown alert, sir.
CAT
You won't be saying that in a minute. And don't say I didn't alert you!
[Enter HOLLY]
HOLLY
All right, dudes. Anyone fancy a game of charades using just your noses,
or is this a bad time?
LISTER
Holly, man, we're about to get crushed to death!
HOLLY
So that's a 'no', then, is it?
KRYTEN
Once the nano's rebuilt the ship, I thought things were going to get back
to normal!
KOCHANSKI
We don't know where we are, what to do, and haven't got a clue what's
happening. Things *are* back to normal!
HOLLY
You don't even fancy a bit of a quick one? Science-fiction film, name of
the ship, one word:
The Nostrilomo! Spent a week thinking that one up! Good, innit?
KRYTEN
Computing time to impact... calculations coming through - here they come.
LISTER
How long have we got?
KRYTEN
About the time it takes to read a stop sign, sir.
CAT
That's okay then. I don't always get through those in one sitting!
KOCHANSKI
What are our chances of getting out of here?
KRYTEN
About the same odds as discovering Mister Lister saddle-stitching the
hem of a pair of linen maternity slacks.
LISTER
I must admit, it's been a while since I did that.
Can't you get this crate to go faster? It's gonna be like getting crushed
to death under a gigantic trouser press!
CAT
Freshly laundered and wrinkle-free! I always prayed I'd go out like
that!
KOCHANSKI
There may be a way through this if we take a detour. Past
Epsilon 14 and take a right at the hydro unit. We'll save about two
minutes!
KRYTEN
What do you say, sir? I don't understand a woman who's hurtling towards
thirty and still has a teddy bear called 'Booboo', but, when it comes to
navigation, there's none finer!
LISTER
What's your view, Holl?
HOLLY
Straight up your nose when you lean in like that.
LISTER
Epsilon 14.
[-- - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------]
[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit -----------------------------------------]
KRYTEN
There's - there's - there's some kind of heartbeat up ahead, and it's
beating at an incredible rate!
CAT
You mean there's a heart out there with no body? No wonder it's beating
so fast.
[-- - Model/CGI shot -----------------------------------------------]
[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit -----------------------------------------]
LISTER
Heyyy!
[-- - Model/CGI shot -----------------------------------------------]
[The 'Bug flies into and jams in the rear-end of a rat]
[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------]
[The cockpit is in darkness, and the quick thudding of a heartbeat can be
heard]
[-- - Model/CGI shot -----------------------------------------------]
[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit -----------------------------------------]
HOLLY
I hope we don't get stopped by the cops. They don't like it when you're
rat-arsed...
[LISTER releases the ship from the rat]
[-- - Model/CGI shot -----------------------------------------------]
[The rat splats into a wall
[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit -----------------------------------------]
[The Dwarfers brace for an impact]
[-- - Model/CGI shot -----------------------------------------------]
[Starbug crashes through an air vent cover]
[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit -----------------------------------------]
[The crew lurch from the impact and sparks flash from electrical feedbacks
in the consoles]
[-- - Model/CGI shot -----------------------------------------------]
[By now, Red Dwarf has shrunk enough that Starbug, passing through a
hatchway, jams its rear module against the walls and rips itself free]
[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit -----------------------------------------]
CAT
According to the desk we've lost all engines!
Didn't I read somewhere that can seriously affect your ability to fly?
[-- - Model/CGI shot -----------------------------------------------]
[The second bubble is torn off the ship]
[-- - Int. Starbug cockpit -----------------------------------------]
KRYTEN
Now we've lost the mid-section and the kitchen! I'm sorry everyone, but
we may have to have sandwiches for lunch!
[-- - Model/CGI / live action shot sequence ---------------------]
[the remaining piece of Starbug smashes into a landing bay and comes to
rest. Waiting only long enough for the crew to flee, the cockpit module
then explodes messily]
[-- - Int. Red Dwarf landing bay -----------------------------------]
[The Dwarfers tentatively raise their heads from where they lie, prone, on
the deck. Three people in yellow Hazardous Environment suits approach the
survivors - two of them un-mask]
SELBY
Dave?
LISTER
Selby! Chen! Is it really you?
CHEN
Is it really us? Hang on, I'll check.
Yeah, I think it's us.
LISTER
Guys! This is brilliant! I can't believe it!
KRYTEN
You know these people, sir?
LISTER
Know them? When they've been drunk and unconscious I've taken
their clothes off and painted parts of them green! Course I know them! This
is the Red Dwarf crew, Krytie!
CAT
How?
KOCHANSKI
The nano's must have resurrected *them* along with the ship.
LISTER
This is Chen.
He works in the kitchen and he's always drunk, and this is Selby - and
he's always drunk too! Where's Peterson?
CHEN
He couldn't make it. He's drunk!
KRYTEN
The crew are all alive, sir! This is great news! Wonderful, marvelous,
incredible news! All that extra ironing! Bliss!
[Two more people, officers, arrive - one pushes LISTER away from his friends
before stepping into view]
HOLLISTER
Mister Thornton, read them their rights.
THORNTON
David Lister, you are formally charged with stealing and crashing a
Starbug. You are also charged with having no pilot's license, and smuggling
two stowaways on board, along with Navigation Officer Kristine Kochanski.
Anything you say now, or do not say now, may be used at a board of
enquiry against you. Do you require any form of aid?
LISTER
Yeah, lemonade in a really large scotch.
[-- - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ------------------------------]
[Enter LISTER, THORNTON, MP, marching double-time]
LISTER, THORNTON
Left - right - left - right - left - right!
LISTER
Try and relax! You're gonna burst a blood vessel!
THORNTON
Shut up, you maggot! Do you understand? *Do you understand*!?
LISTER
Yes!
THORNTON
*"Yes -" what*!?
LISTER
"Yes, Mister... Shouty"..?
THORNTON
"YES - SIR"!
[-- - Int. Sleeping Quarters -------------------------------------]
[Enter LISTER, THORNTON, MP]
THORNTON
Left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right - left - right
- left - right - Halt!
Lift arm.
THORNTON
At ease.
[THORNTON attaches a security bracelet to LISTER's wrist]
[Exit MP. THORNTON]
[Enter HOLLY]
HOLLY
All right, dude.
LISTER
They don't know about you yet, Holl. It might be an idea to keep it that
way. I need some info. If the board of enquiry find us guilty tomorrow, what
happens then?
HOLLY
Well, they'll probably have a pot of tea, a bit of a chat, and go
home, I suppose.
LISTER
What happens to us, you divvy, not them!
HOLLY
Well if you lose, you'll probably get a couple of years in the brig.
LISTER
What brig?
HOLLY
The brig on floor 13.
LISTER
There isn't a floor 13!
HOLLY
Yeah, there is. It was classified. A need-to-know only basis.
LISTER
So who knew?
HOLLY
Well, all the officers, and anyone who's ever seen the Twilight Zone.
LISTER
So what's it like, this brig?
HOLLY
Well if I was an estate agent, I'd probably describe it as an old-style
penal establishment, abundant wildlife, two-hundred bedrooms, all with
ensuite buckets.
LISTER
Smeggin' hell.
HOLLY
They call it The Tank. There was an inmate population of four-hundred, all
being transported to Adelphi 12. Presumably, they've all been resurrected
too.
LISTER
What are they like? No don't tell me, I already know. They're all
deranged, hairy no-lobes with breath like old nappies, arms like toilet
walls... scum of the universe. They're all like that, aren't they?
HOLLY
Well, the nice ones are, yeah. Hang on, I've got one of them on
file somewhere. Here we go:
[HOLLY's image is replaced by a terrifying face sporting a green, tribal
haircut and hundreds of studs and rings]
NIGEL
I'm Nigel. I'm nice!
[HOLLY re-appears]
HOLLY
See what I mean? They're not all headbangers. Nige is lovely, though he
does tend to get a bit narky if you go too close to him with a magnet.
[Enter RIMMER]
LISTER
Thanks very much Holl. Y' really cheering me up.
[Exit HOLLY]
LISTER
The brig.
[Enter RIMMER]
LISTER
Two years..! Two years without curry and lager! Two years without sex!
RIMMER
You hope!
LISTER
Rimmer!
RIMMER
Word's out they're going to throw the book at you, Listy! Followed by the
bookcase, and then the library, brick by brick.
LISTER
God, it's you like you used to be. Ughhh.
RIMMER
What got into you? You can't fly a Starbug, meladdo! You're a technician!
A zero! A nobody!
LISTER
This is gonna sound nuts, but the whole crew died, including you! And
you've all been resurrected by these microscopic little robots!
RIMMER
I died?
LISTER
Yeah.
RIMMER
All the crew died?
LISTER
Yeah.
RIMMER
And you're going to spend the next two years in the brig with a
load of neanderthals with badly spelled tattoos. So where are we, is it my
heaven?
LISTER
Look, a radiation leak wiped everybody out. I survived because I was in
stasis. Then these nano's arrived... rebuilt the ship, and resurrected the
crew.
RIMMER
So where are they?
LISTER
Dunno... gone, scarpered. Maybe I should take the fifth?
RIMMER
The fifth? If I were you, I'd take the sixth, seventh and eighth, too.
LISTER
I've got to track down these nano's, to corroborate our story. Otherwise,
who's going to believe our defence? Only meths drinkers and the corn circle
society.
I need your help, man.
RIMMER
Me?
LISTER
Who else is going to help me? I'm confined to quarters. The minute I walk
though that door, I get enough wattage up my jacksie to light up the whole
of Bootle!
RIMMER
Well, considering what the future has in store for your jacksie, a couple
of zillion volts is going to be easy street...
[-- - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf -----------------------------]
[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, two MP'S present]
KOCHANSKI
Why have the nanobots done this? Put us in this situation.
KRYTEN
In the past they have only ever done things that have ultimately
benefitted us. We should take comfort in that.
KOCHANSKI
Like what?
KRYTEN
Like when they first stole Red Dwarf and took us on a merry goose chase
halfway round the galaxy. They led us to Legion, where Mister Rimmer
acquired a hard light body.
KOCHANSKI
Benefit.
KRYTEN
And then they took us back to Red Dwarf and rebooted Holly.
KOCHANSKI
Benefit. And, after that, they led you to the temporal rip where you met
me!
[KRYTEN stalks off]
[Exit KRYTEN]
[-- Int. Corridor on officers deck ------------------------------]
[CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER present]
[Enter CAPTAIN HOLLISTER]
CMO
What's this rumour that we're three million light years into Deep Space,
and Red Dwarf's changed shape?
HOLLISTER
That is classified information, Karen! Who the hell told you that?
CMO
The coffee machine on G-deck.
HOLLISTER
That damn coffee machine. I'm gonna bust his ass down to tampon dispenser!
CMO
Is it true?
HOLLISTER
Until we get Holly back up, we can't verify it. Starbug took out one of
his CPU banks in the crash and we're having trouble rebooting.
CMO
The coffee machine said the ship's now identical to its original design
plans, before the JMC made all its cutbacks?
HOLLISTER
We now have a quark-level matter/anti-matter generator, ship-wide
bio-organic computer networking, and a karaoke bar on C-deck.
CMO
But how? And how did we wind up in Deep Space?
HOLLISTER
Nobody knows...
[Exit HOLLISTER, CMO]
[- - CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------]
[-- - CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------]
[Medical scanner initalises and begins a scan. Messages appear as follows:]
"Medi-scan enabled"
[Humanoid figure appears on screen; focus reticle begins buzzing over the
figure]
"Anomalies detected - cardiovascular system and internal --"
- Int. Medical lab -------------------------------------------]
[CAT present]
[HOLLISTER, CMO present]
CMO
We don't believe this one's human. Take a look at this:
[They look under the blanket covering CAT]
HOLLISTER
Has he got the measles?
CMO
Those are his nipples, Frank.
[-- - CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------]
[Medi-scan image: six points of light appear on the torso of the humanoid
image]
[-- - Int. Medical lab --------------------------------------------]
HOLLISTER
Six nipples? I wonder what the female of the species is like?
CAT
Pretty easy to please in bed! Especially if you play the piano.
CMO
His internal organs are different too.
HOLLISTER
In what way?
CMO
His kidney, liver, appendix, are all colour co-ordinated. And
even weirder, his stomach wall appears to be decorated.
HOLLISTER
This guy's intestines look better than my quarters.
CMO
His heartbeat's weird too. Instead of a normal heartbeat, his
sounds... cooler...
CAT
You think I'm going to have the dorky human heartbeat? D-dff,
d-dff, d-dff, d-dff. Where's the tune in that?
HOLLISTER
Let me hear it.
[Fx: Pf-pbb-pbb-p-pbb, pf-pbb-pbb-p-pbb]
CMO
Also, his pulse is a different rhythm.
[Fx: pulse is layered with the heartbeat, creating a trippy bongo breakbeat]
HOLLISTER
Oh, that's good. Can you slam that down on tape for me?
[-- - Int. Anteroom aboard Red Dwarf -----------------------------]
[LISTER, RIMMER present]
LISTER
Rimmer, I'm begging you man: help me escape. I've got to track down these
nanobots.
RIMMER
I'm not risking my career and standing for you, Listy. I'm going places!
LISTER
"Up the ziggurat, lickety-split"...
RIMMER
Up the ziggurat, lickety-split, precisely! I'm going to pass the
engineering exam!
LISTER
"And become an officer"...
RIMMER
And become an officer, yes! An officer. A guy of honour, decency and
breeding.
LISTER
Are you saying I haven't got those qualities?
RIMMER
Generally, people with breeding, when they're bored and want my bridge
club chums to wrap up and go home, people with breeding, generally, do not
play 'Popeye the Sailor Man' with a kazoo inserted between their buttocks.
LISTER
I remember that! I used to do that sort of thing, didn't I?
RIMMER
And while we're on the subject, when someone has had a tad too much
claret, and has fallen asleep naked on their bunk, people of honour
generally don't take a polaroid of your snoozing todger, draw a moustache,
mouth and ears on it, and then pin it up on the bulletin board under
'missing persons'.
They don't write underneath, "Have you seen this man? Believed to be a
French movie star".
LISTER
As if your todger with a couple of eyes drawn on it would look like a
French movie star. Way too good looking.
RIMMER
Don't expect help from me, Lister.
LISTER
But that was years ago...
RIMMER
It was last week!
LISTER
Last week for you, because you've just been resurrected; years ago for me.
And anyway I was whirlitzered then. I even finished off the advocar. I even
downed that smeg-awful pink stuff down the back of the drinks cabinet.
RIMMER
That was my Windowlene... I must have left it there when I was cleaning
the glass.
LISTER
It tasted all right with that Chartruess green liqueurey thing.
RIMMER
You drank my Swarfega too? You're unbelievable.
LISTER
Look, I've changed, I'm different now... more mature, more debonair. I
don't even stir my tea with a spanner any more. You'd hardly recognise me.
RIMMER
Have you stopped playing the guitar?
LISTER
No, but I've stopped accompanying myself on the armpit. What I'm trying to
say is that I don't need to take my frustrations out on you anymore.
RIMMER
How's that?
LISTER
I've been away, what is it? Five, six years, not counting stasis? I've
done stuff! Stuff that would make your hair straight. I've come through it.
I can help you...
RIMMER
Do what?
LISTER
Get promoted.
RIMMER
Preposterous!
How?
LISTER
Information. I've seen the crew's confidential reports. I've seen their
strengths and weaknesses...
RIMMER
How?
LISTER
Well before you were resurrected, I had the run of the whole of the ship.
I've seen the crew's files, medical records, sessions with the therapist,
the works. Knowledge is power. Who said that?
RIMMER
I don't know.
LISTER
Nor do I. The point I'm trying to make is, I can make you look like a
genius. You can get promoted in the field, man, you won't have to take
exams, or do that astro-engineering smeg... Just, help me escape.
RIMMER
I have my principles, Lister. You think you can buy me with promises of
power and glory? You really think-- okay, I'll do it. But you'll have to
prove it to me first.
LISTER
You're on.
RIMMER
Get me promoted.
LISTER
You've got it.
RIMMER
Okay, deal.
LISTER
You'll find the confidential files in Starbug's cockpit. There's a senile
version of Holly loaded into this watch. He'll lead you to it.
[-- - Int. Medical office aboard Red Dwarf ------------------------]
[KRYTEN, COUNSELLOR present]
COUNSELLOR
Hello, I'm Doctor Lucas McLaren; I am the ship's chief psychiatric
counsellor, and I thought it's about time we got together, and had a really
good natter.
KRYTEN
My name is Kryten, sir.
COUNSELLOR
Lovely! We are doing well, aren't we! Now, you're a robot, aren't you?
KRYTEN
I was, the last time I looked, sir, yes.
COUNSELLOR
And can you tell me, when you were created, can you remember?
KRYTEN
2340 sir.
COUNSELLOR
Very good, 2340. Now, that's in the future, isn't it?
KRYTEN
Yes sir, I was created after you died.
COUNSELLOR
Lovely! Lovely! So, I died, er, and you were created. And how long would
you say I've been dead, altogether?
KRYTEN
Oh, you're not dead any more, sir.
COUNSELLOR
Aren't I?
KRYTEN
No no, you're alive again now, sir. Can't you tell?
COUNSELLOR
Right! I *was* alive, died, and then started living again..?
KRYTEN
You have been most fortunate sir!
COUNSELLOR
I have, haven't I? Golly! Your chair is screwed down, isn't it, Kryten?
KRYTEN
Er, yes, sir?
COUNSELLOR
Just checking! Excellent, lovely, lovely! So-o, how did I suddenly spring
back to life again?
KRYTEN
You were rebuilt, sir, by these itty-bitty, teeny-weeny, teenty little
robots!
COUNSELLOR
'Teenty little robots'?
KRYTEN
And they make this little noise - 'miniminiminiminiminiminiminiminimini'!
COUNSELLOR
Yes, just double check that chair for me, would you, Kryten? It is still
screwed down, isn't it?
KRYTEN
Er, yes, sir.
COUNSELLOR
With really long, long screws that go deep, deep into the ground?
KRYTEN
Er, yes, sir.
COUNSELLOR
Okay, now tell me, what kind of robot do you think you are? What were you
programmed to do?
KRYTEN
Oh well, I'm a sanitation droid, sir. I'm programmed to do sanitation-type
things: washing, cleaning, ironing.
COUNSELLOR
Hmm. You also drive spaceships though, don't you? Pretend to be the
science officer, and sit in that lovely, swivelly chair, with all those
lovely, pretty buttons and press them all?
KRYTEN
Yes, I do that too, sir. That's sort of thanks to Mister Lister.
COUNSELLOR
Mister Lister..?
KRYTEN
He helped break my programming, sir. Over the years I have managed to
develop some serious character faults of which I'm extremely proud!
I'm even able to lie to a modest standard, for example: "you have a very
fine hair cut!"
You see how good I've got? Also, "I've completely mastered pomposity,
even though I say so myself!"
I've also developed several rudimentary emotions, including fear: "Oh my
God! It's going to kill us!"; sadness: "Oh my God, it's killed us";
happiness: "oh no it hasn't!"; surprise: "Oohh! I've turned into a frog!",
and just lately, I'm proud to say, I've got the hang of anger, with
rudimentary mindless violence:
KRYTEN
That's a newie. I was going to launch it at this year's Emotion
Show. At the moment, I'm working on ambivalence, which means feeling two
opposite, irreconcilable emotions about the same thing:
KRYTEN
As you can see, I haven't quite got the hang of that one yet. I look like
a dog with a caramel toffee.
COUNSELLOR
What is your relationship with Lister?
KRYTEN
I love Mister Lister, sir, he taught me everything. Without him, I'd
probably be normal.
COUNSELLOR
I'm going to make a recommendation now, Kryten, which I think will help
you, but just before I do, just double check that chair for me, would you?
[The counsellor rubber-stamps his form, the stamp bears the legend:
RESTORE TO FACTORY SETTINGS]
[-- - CGI/Model / live action composite ---------------------------]
[Enter RIMMER]
[-- - Int. Starbug wreckage ---------------------------------------]
[RIMMER has returned to the wreckage of Starbug and is searching through the
remains of the terminals. He ejects a disk from one such]
RIMMER
Yes!
[RIMMER locates two small vials]
RIMMER
Luck virus; sexual magnetism?
[RIMMER activates HOLLY]
[Enter HOLLY]
RIMMER
Holly, what's this?
HOLLY
Dave got them years ago from this scientist called Lanstrom. They're
positive viruses. One gives you sexual magnetism, and the other gives you
luck. Well, 'til your natural body defences combat the virus.
RIMMER
Sexual magnetism!
HOLLY
You gonna use it?
RIMMER
Is Paris a kind of plaster? You bet I am! A tiny swigette to see if it
works. Well, bottoms up!
Then bottoms down, and hopefully bottoms up again!
[A message flashes on HOLLY's screen: "SICKBAGS ON STANDBY"]
[-- - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ------------------------------]
[Several female crewmembers present]
[Enter RIMMER]
WOMEN
Hi, Arn...
RIMMER
Ladies!
WOMEN
Hi, Arnold...
RIMMER
The world loves a bastard!
["TO BE CONTINUED!"]
[----------------------- END OF "BACK IN THE RED" --------------------]