RED DWARF - SERIES 8 EPISODE 3 -- "BACK IN THE RED, part 3"
[-- - Model/CGI shot ------------------------------------------------]
[Inside a vast, man-made structure]
[-- - Int. A small cell --------------------------------------------]
[Enter RIMMER, LISTER]
RIMMER
One day in this lousy, stinking penal colony and I'm cracking up.
Everyone's so deranged and brutal it's frightening. This afternoon I was so
depressed I went to see the social worker.
LISTER
Was he any help?
RIMMER
Not really; he beat me up.
He said I was a whining nancy-boy with girlie white legs, then pummelled
me repeatedly with his book, "Showing compassion to inmates".
LISTER
I thought social workers were supposed to be nice?
RIMMER
In the end I was so shell-shocked I went to see the priest and explained
everything.
LISTER
What did he say?
RIMMER
He said I was a whining baby who was missing his mum. Then he beat me up,
too. You can still see the crucifix marks in the back of my head.
LISTER
It's cos we're in G-tower. All the staff are mad, here. One of the guys
was saying, though, as a reward for good behaviour, they move you to the
luxury block on D-wing. Everything's really nice there; they even shampoo
the rats. Groom their tails and everything.
RIMMER
I must look it up in my Michelin guide to penal Hell-holes. I'm sure it
probably gets the full five slop-out buckets.
LISTER
They've got everything: TV's, music centres... they've even got a trouser
press.
RIMMER
Since when were you interested in a trouser press? You care less about
your appearance than a member of the Dutch royal family.
LISTER
No, I was thinking: if we got moved to a cell with a trouser press, we
could make cheese toasties.
RIMMER
What's this?
[RIMMER picks up an envelope from the table in front of him where it sat
on top of a book, and opens it]
RIMMER
"Floor 13 information pack.
If privacy is required when using toilet, please wear blindfold."
LISTER
What's the book?
RIMMER
Gideon's Bible.
LISTER
He follows me everywhere, that bloke! I was staying in a hotel once, he
left his bible behind there, as well. And two years later, another hotel,
dozy git left it behind again!
RIMMER
Everything is ruined. My career's over, I've no goal, no hope, no life.
LISTER
Yeah, but how come that's started to get you down now?
RIMMER
Maybe you hadn't noticed, but we're going to spend the next two years in
the brig? Two years with the scum of the universe, hardened criminals,
deranged droids, people so unbalanced and debauched they could even get
elected as President of the United States. We've got to escape!
LISTER
Woh! There're security cameras everywhere. You know that mad geezer with
the one eye and the funny tic? He said it was impossible.
RIMMER
Well he's bound to say that, he was the warden!
If only I'd hired a smarter lawyer, instead of the brain-dead, pompous,
stupid-haired git I ended up with.
LISTER
You defended yourself!
RIMMER
Yes, and I don't need reminding of that, thank you very much.
Two years in the Tank...
LISTER
Two years...
[RIMMER walks over to the other side of the cell and sits on the toilet.
He puts on the blindfold, which has "ENGAGED" stencilled on it, and
grimaces]
RIMMER
How did I get into this mess?
[LISTER notices what RIMMER is doing, and turns away hurriedly]
LISTER
I think the blindfold's supposed to be for me...
[-- - Model/CGI shot -----------------------------------------------]
[Red Dwarf cruises by a colourful starscape]
[Text appears over the image:
"2 DAYS EARLIER"]
[-- - Int. Captain's office ----------------------------------------]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
[HOLLISTER is sat at his desk alone facing the camera, talking to the
recording computer that he has just activated]
HOLLISTER
This is the diary of Captain F. Hollister of the mining ship Red Dwarf.
Several of my crew are presently being tried for crimes against the Space
Corps:
[HOLLISTER inserts the following edited video sequence into his diary:]
[-- - Int. Courtroom ---------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, two BAILIFFS, CAPTAIN HOLLISTER,
CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER KAREN NEWTON, CHIEF ENGINEER present]
HOLLISTER
Are you familiar with the mind scan?
LISTER
We are familiar with the mind scan, sir.
HOLLISTER
You understand that it will involve the administration of psychotropic
drugs, that is, drugs that affect your mental state, making this process
possible? If you accept, say 'aye'.
KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER
Aye.
HOLLISTER
Please sign the consent forms and seal them into the envelopes provided.
We reconvene at 10am tomorrow.
[The four Dwarfers, having signed their forms and slid them into the
envelopes, lick the glue seal and resign themselves to the Captain's tests]
[-- - Int. Captain's office -----------------------------------------]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
HOLLISTER
To test the voracity of their defence, unknown to them, I've had them
placed in artificial reality where their -
[The following three video sequences are pasted in]
[-- - Int. Artificial Reality chamber ------------------------------]
[LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT present]
HOLLISTER [VO]
- actions can be observed.
[The hapless Dwarfers each stand at an A.R. interface point. Eyes closed,
their hands twitch spasmodically around dual feedback joysticks]
[-- - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf -------------------------------]
[Enter KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER]
[We watch a flashback of events we've seen before. The Dwarfs emerge,
Reservoir Dogs style, from a side corridor in their Dibbley togs. Of
course, now we know that this is all a pschotropically-generated,
consensually shared fantasy]
[-- - Int. Captain's table ----------------------------------------]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER, CMO, three other FEMALE OFFICERS, one other MALE OFFICER
present]
HOLLISTER
Right now, they believe they're escaping, but we just want to observe what
they do...
RIMMER
So, that means, that if anyone happens to mention any... special
agreements... that they've entered into --
Could you excuse me? I think I... left the iron on...
[Exit RIMMER]
[-- - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
HOLLISTER
Rimmer, one of the least able of my crew -
[-- - Int. Captain's office ----------------------------------------]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER, RIMMER present]
[HOLLISTER has selected a recording of RIMMER's embarassingly lengthy salute
to illustrate his appraisal]
[-- - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
HOLLISTER
- has started acting very suspiciously, being incredibly insightful, and
efficient.
[-- - Int. Captain's office ----------------------------------------]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER, RIMMER present]
[Here HOLLISTER selects footage from the same meeting, and we see RIMMER
place the folder containing his report on Drive Plate safety proceedure
on the Captain's desk before returning to attention]
[-- - Int. Captain's office -------------------------------------]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
HOLLISTER
I suspect he may have access to the crew's confidential files. We also
believe he may be in possession of a virus, which makes him incredibly
attractive to the opposite sex. This is obviously a remarkable serum and, as
a responsible senior officer of the Space Corps., it's imperative I gain
possession of this solution and use some myself.
[-- - Int. Galley -----------------------------------------------]
[HOLLISTER's remarkable guesswork concering the Sexual Magnetism virus is
partially justified as we see him insert into his diary security camera
footage of the ship's CMO jumping RIMMER's bones...]
CMO
Oh - my - god - you are sexy! So very, very sexy!
[The CMO shoves RIMMER through a door into an adjoining cramped room marked
'Captain's Galley'
[Exit RIMMER, CMO]
[-- - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
HOLLISTER
Yesterday he was observed injecting his groin with anaesthetic -
[-- - Int. Medical office ------------------------------------------]
[RIMMER present]
HOLLISTER [VO]
- something we believe he did to regain some self-control.
[Once again, we see RIMMER checking the contents of a hypodermic and
emptying the contents into his nether-regions]
[-- - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf -------------------------------]
[Enter RIMMER]
[RIMMER begins to lose feeling in his legs, they appear to turn rubbery and
RIMMER begins to have trouble walking. He blunders awkwardly along the
corridor]
[Enter three FEMALE CREWMEMBERS]
RIMMER
Hi.
FEMALE CREWMEMBERS
Hi...
[-- - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER prsent]
HOLLISTER
I also suspect someone, possibly Lister, has given Rimmer access to the
crew's confidential files, and he's using this information to blackmail his
way up the chain of command. It's sickening, it's unforgivable, but it's a
technique that can work. I should know: I used the same method myself to
become Captain. If the crew discover I'm really just Dennis the donut boy,
I'm finished.
I will continue to observe Lister's actions in AR and expect my suspicions
to be confirmed.
Report ends.
[-- - Int. Artificial Reality chamber ----------------------------]
[-- - Int. Red Dwarf landing bay ----------------------------------]
[CAT present]
[CAT is still wearing his Dibbley disguise and is pushing a large cart
over which a white sheet is draped. Two skutters flank him]
FLIGHT CONTROLLER [VO]
T minus eighteen seconds --
[-- - Int. Red Dwarf landing bay hangar section ------------------]
[Three Blue Midget craft parked and inactive in the hangar section]
FLIGHT CONTROLLER [VO]
-- and counting; engines start.
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, 2 SKUTTERS present]
[-- - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station --------------------]
[GROUND CONTROLLER present]
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, 2 SKUTTERS present]
GROUND CONTROLLER [VO]
This is Ground Control to Midget 3 -
[-- - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station ----------------------]
GROUND CONTROLLER
- you don't appear to have flight clearance. Please state your name and
clearance code.
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -----------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, 2 SKUTTERS present]
CAT
Ground Control, this is, er...
LISTER
Major Tom!
CAT
Yeah! Major Tom -
[-- - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station ----------------------]
[GROUND CONTROLLER present]
GROUND CONTROLLER
Major Tom, what is your clearance code and pilot number?
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, 2 SKUTTERS present]
CAT
I'm sorry, I left all my details in my other pants.
[-- 3- Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station -----------------------]
[GROUND CONTROLLER present]
GROUND CONTROLLER
I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, 2 SKUTTERS present]
[A small viewscreen crackles to life on the panel next to CAT, displaying
an image of the young and beautiful GROUND CONTROLLER. CAT falls in love]
CAT
Woooowwww!
[-- - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station -----------------------]
[GROUND CONTROLLER present]
GROUND CONTROLLER
Without takeoff clearance I can't permit you to fly.
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, 2 SKUTTERS present]
CAT
I can handle this thing okay. I'm good. I'm better than good, I'm
smoooooth, with a capital 'Smooooo'.
[-- - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station -----------------------]
[GROUND CONTROLLER present]
GROUND CONTROLLER
Well that's as maybe, but I need a little proof you can fly that thing.
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ----------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, 2 SKUTTERS present]
CAT
Fly!? I can make this thing dance!
[CAT proceeds to do just that]
[Tap dance sequence]
[-- - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station --------------------x-]
[GROUND CONTROLLER present]
GROUND CONTROLLER
Wow!
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, 2 SKUTTERS present]
[CAT takes a draw on a cigar and blows smoke rings]
CAT
You free Saturday?
[-- - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station ---------------------]
[GROUND CONTROLLER present]
GROUND CONTROLLER
I am now.
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, 2 SKUTTERS present]
CAT
Holy-shmoly! I got a date in three day's time; I better start getting
ready!
LISTER
You're going nowhere, man, we are outta here!
[-- - CGI/Model shot ---------------------------------------------]
[Blue Midget paws the ground like a charging bull, then lurches
gracelessly out of the hanger section and down a launching tube]
[-- - CGI/Model shot ---------------------------------------------]
[Red Dwarf is left behind as Blue Midget arcs out into Deep Space]
[-- - Int. Corridor about Red Dwarf -------------------------------]
[MP THORNTON present]
[THORNTON stands security outside a hatchway, stencilled above which is a
plaque reading "AR SUITE / SUITO"]
[Enter RIMMER]
RIMMER
Thornton -
THORNTON
No one's allowed in there, Rimmer. Beat it.
RIMMER
Angus Thornton, age 36, middle name Lionel. Inside leg measurement: 29,
neck size: 16; circumcised.
THORNTON
How do you know all this?
RIMMER
Jazz fan. Good credit rating. Once admitted to hospital totally naked and
attached to -
[Here RIMMER leans in close to THORNTON and hisses]
RIMMER
- the suction end of a vacuum cleaner.
THORNTON
That's a vicious, slanderous, filthy, stinking, slanderous lie that you
just made up!
Who told you?
RIMMER
Want all the crew to know? Take a cigarette break; five minutes.
THORNTON
Okay, I'm going, okay. I'm lighting up already, I'm going.
[Exit THORNTON]
[RIMMER backs through the hatchway, looking up and down the corridor for
unwanted eyes, then darts through]
[-- - CGI/Model shot ----------------------------------------------]
[Blue Midget streaks through space, toward a nebula and nearby moon]
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, 2 SKUTTERS present]
LISTER
Now all we've got to do is get a bearing on those damn nano's -
[-- - Int. Artificial Reality chamber ---------------------------]
[LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT present]
[Behind LISTER is a video screen portraying the scene inside Blue Midget
as we just saw it]
LISTER [on video screen]
- and we're cruising down Freedom Boulevard.
[Enter RIMMER]
[RIMMER waddles in from the corridor and stops by the A.R. computer
interface panel]
KRYTEN [on video screen]
Getting something now, sir.
LISTER [on video screen]
Good.
We didn't need that confidential files scam I cooked up with Rimmer after
all. All that stuff I gave him on the Captain... Double-dealing, two-faced
rat!
[RIMMER watches these events on the screen and begins typing commands on
the interface panel, speaking aloud as he does so]
RIMMER
Find - all - references - to - the - agreement - between - Lister - and -
Rimmer - and - remove.
[The word "REMOVED" appears on the video screen and flashes]
A.R. COMPUTER [VO]
"All references removed."
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -----------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, 2 SKUTTERS present]
[HOLLY present, on a viewscreen in the cockpit]
[As LISTER checks his control panel, the world suddenly seems to 'flick',
as if several seconds of time had just been snipped out]
LISTER
What was that? Something weird just happened...
KOCHANSKI
Yeah, I felt it, too.
[Another flick manifests, and CAT is left facing in a different direction]
CAT
There it was again!
[The same thing happens to HOLLY]
HOLLY
And again.
KRYTEN
Oh, my.
LISTER
What is it?
KRYTEN
I don't believe I'm here.
KOCHANSKI
I have that feeling all the time.
KRYTEN
I have it. I believe we're in some kind of computer-manipulated,
psychotropically induced mind state.
HOLLY
You took the words right out of my mouth.
KOCHANSKI
You mean this is our trial? Our escape is our trial?
LISTER
The envelopes... When we signed the consent forms... there must have been
some kind of drug on the gluey bit we licked.
CAT
So you mean nothing's been real since then? Blue Midget? The Ground
Controller? None of that was real? You mean after all this, I still haven't
got a date?? Damn! Another year when I have to sent a Valentine's card to my
hand...
LISTER
No, this good, this is good! It proves we're innocent! Everything we've
said and done: escaping, trying to track down the nano's; it corroborates
our story!
[-- - Computer viewscreen ---------------------------------------]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
But you are guilty, guys! Who are you fooling?
[HOLLY immediately looks startled and casts his eyes about]
HOLLY
I dunno why I said that.
[-- - Int. Artificial Reality chamber ----------------------------]
[RIMMER, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT present]
[RIMMER taps more commands into the interface panel]
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, HOLLY, 2 SKUTTERS present]
KOCHANSKI
We're being framed...
[Another flick, and KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI have switched places]
KOCHANSKI
Wait a minute, what's happening? I just said "we're being framed" and
suddenly -
[Yet another flick - KRYTEN suddenly finds himself standing staring at the
rear wall of the cockpit]
LISTER
It just happened again! Everything we say's being --
[Reality flicks once more, returning KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI to their original
positions]
KRYTEN
Bananas.
LISTER
If I say who I think's responsible for this it'll get cut too, so I'm not
going to, but it's him. I know it's him, you can bet on it, and if I ever
catch up to him, I'm gonna cut off both his b--
[A reality flick mercifully spares us the gory details of RIMMER's fate]
LISTER
-- blunt knife.
CAT
So how do we stop him?
KRYTEN
If we're plugged into A.R. software there must be a 'trap door' built into
the program somewhere to allow escape.
CAT
You mean to help you get out if the program freezes?
KRYTEN
Precisely. There'll be a cryptic clue around somewhere, something like a
trap door or exit...
[The Dwarfers begin to search around the cockpit]
CAT
I got it! There's a button here with "E - 11 - T" written on it.
KRYTEN
And?
CAT
11 is "XI" in Roman numerals. E - XI - T; "EXIT"!
LISTER
He got that?
KRYTEN
I think it proves, without a shadow of a doubt, this is not reality!
KOCHANSKI
Press it.
[-- - Stop-motion animated sequence -------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER present]
CAT
Now where are we?
KRYTEN
Well somehow we've wound up in the screen saver!
KOCHANSKI
We need to locate a power source so we can switch the A.R. machine off.
LISTER
A power source? A.R.? There has to be a clue around here somewhere. Maybe
it's in this ice hole?
CAT
There's some food in here?
KOCHANSKI
So?
CAT
Including a bottle of ketchup...
LISTER
So?
CAT
Power ketchup, get it?
KRYTEN
What's to get?
CAT
Power sauce!
LISTER
Pity he's only smart when he's made out of plastecine..!
KOCHANSKI
Press it!
[-- - Int. Artificial Reality chamber -----------------------------]
[LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT, RIMMER present]
[The A.R. program aborts, the interface ports deactivate and the Dwarfers
regain consciousness. RIMMER is desperately trying to stab buttons on the
interface panel]
LISTER
Ohhhh... ohhhh...
You back-stabbin', weaselly smegger! You were trying to frame us!
RIMMER
Listy! Just the man. Now, I know, at first glance, this may look bad --
[RIMMER abandons the interface panel and waddles toward LISTER. Pheromones
enhanced by the Sexual Magnetism virus waft out in search of suseptible
targets...]
KOCHANSKI
God, he's gorgeous...
RIMMER
Ohh, hold her back, please, hold her, please! No more, no more!
KOCHANSKI
Oh those nostrils! They're driving me crazy, I've simply got to have them!
[KOCHANSKI advances on RIMMER; LISTER grabs her arm and digs in his heels]
LISTER
Hold her back, Kryten, help me!
[-- - Int. Service elevator ----------------------------------------]
[Enter RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT]
KRYTEN
Mister Cat, sir, put the lift on hold!
KOCHANSKI
I want his babies!
LISTER
The Luck virus, have you still got it? Take some! It'll cure the virus,
and restore you both to normal.
[RIMMER uncorks the Luck virus and takes a swig. Instantly, the sexually
charged pheromones discharged by the Sexual Magnetism virus dissipate and
KOCHANSKI regains control of her basic instincts]
KOCHANSKI
Oh god, that's so embarrassing...
LISTER
What now, Holl?
[-- - Computer viewscreen ------------------------------------------]
HOLLY
No time to lose, you should head for the nearest one of these:
[-- - Int. Service elevator ----------------------------------------]
LISTER
You mean a moon?
[-- - Computer viewscreen ------------------------------------------]
HOLLY
Exactly.
[-- - Int. Service elevator --------------------------------------]
KRYTEN
He's right. We can regroup there and continue our search for the nano's.
RIMMER
What about me?
KRYTEN
Well, suggest we persuade you to come with us, sir, or, failing that, we
bludgeon you unconscious.
CAT
Him, come with us? Are you out of your mind? That's so dumb I should've
said it!
KRYTEN
Well, Mister Rimmer has had access to the confidential files, sir. He
knows all the security codes. Without him, our chances of escape are about
as remote as meeting an interesting hairdresser called Kylie.
RIMMER
Why would I want to take off with you lot? What have you got to offer?
KRYTEN
Well, I'm very good at laundry, sir.
[-- - Computer viewscreen -----------------------------------------]
HOLLY
I do a damn fine moon impression.
[-- - Int. Service elevator ---------------------------------------]
CAT
I'm so gorgeous, there's a six month waiting list for birds to suddenly
appear, every time I am near.
KRYTEN
And you know what they say, sir: "if you've got three good friends, you're
a rich man".
RIMMER
Only poor people say that.
CAT
Forget it, he's not gonna change his mind.
KRYTEN
He's right, time is of the essence. The crew will know we're out of A.R.
now and are probably sending someone to investigate.
LISTER
So, what's it to be?
RIMMER
Look, if I leave I'm always going to be a failure. The shame of it. Every
time I have a boiled egg, knowing I don't even outrank the toastie
soldiers. I want to be an officer, a man of honour.
LISTER
Officers aren't men of honour, they're headcases. Those induction pranks
they play when you qualify?
RIMMER
I've dreamt of that proud day for years now. As I wake up after the
celebration party and find that my pubes are orange and I'm handcuffed to a
goat. And, most hilarious of all, discovering someone's superglued me to the
rear of one of those rabbits that whizzes around greyhound tracks.
Ahhhhhhh, those mad japes they play on you! I can't miss all that!
LISTER
But that's not gonna happen for you now, man. Just like it didn't happen
for the other Rimmer.
[-- - Computer viewscreen -----------------------------------------]
HOLLY
We're giving you a second chance at life, and an opportunity for you to
screw it up in a new and original way.
[-- - Int. Service elevator ---------------------------------------]
KRYTEN
You'll get your own seat in the cockpit, and you'll be in control of at
least five buttons...
KOCHANSKI
Krytie, don't be pathetic, he's hardly going to be impressed at the
prospect of being in charge of a few buttons...
RIMMER
Five, you say?
LISTER
No more vending machine maintenance. No more getting heckled by drinks
dispensers.
RIMMER
That's five whole buttons?
KOCHANSKI
A new start, a new life?
LISTER
You'll wake up in the morning... you'll want to leap out of bed!
KRYTEN
Well, in your case, Mister Lister, sir, that's because your sheets are
full of pointy poppadum shards!
RIMMER
Tell me more about these buttons; are some illuminated?
LISTER
What do you say, man? The old Rimmer was a vital member of the team. He
performed essential functions we've never replaced.
RIMMER
What did he do?
LISTER
I dunno, really.
He, erm... he was, erm... he was, erm... ah! Head of Safety!
RIMMER
"Head of Safety", that's a hell of a title! But what did he actually do?
LISTER
He sought out danger; he sought out peril. Then he advised us the best way
to run away from it.
RIMMER
Head of Safety. Five buttons. I'm in!
CAT
He's in? Let's celebrate! I'll crack open a bottle of cyanide!
[-- - CGI/Model shot ----------------------------------------------]
[In the hanger section of Red Dwarf's landing bay three Blue Midget craft
are parked quietly]
[-- - CGI / Live action composite ----------------------------------]
[Red Dwarf's landing bay]
[Enter RIMMER]
[RIMMER strides across the landing bay towards the hangar, checking behind
him to make sure the other Dwarfers still follow]
[Exit RIMMER]
[Enter CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI]
[The four scurry along behind RIMMER, casting glances around to see if
they've been spotted]
[Exit CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI]
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -------------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
[The Dwarfers take their seats and begin powering up their Blue Midget]
[-- - CGI/Model shot -----------------------------------------------]
[In the hangar area, one of the Blue Midget craft rises to its feet]
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -----------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
[Working at his console, CAT suddenly notices the small viewscreen flicker
into life, and does a double-take. It's the GROUND CONTROLLER, but not as
we know her; she seems to have aged 30 years or so, most of them apparently
spent eating]
GROUND CONTROLLER [on viewscreen]
This is Ground Control.
[-- - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station -----------------------]
[GROUND CONTROLLER present]
GROUND CONTROLLER
You don't appear to have flight clearance.
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -----------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
CAT
You're the ground controller?
[-- - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station -----------------------]
[GROUND CONTROLLER present]
GROUND CONTROLLER
Please state your name and clearance code.
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ----------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
CAT
Reality sucks!
[-- - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station --------------------]
[GROUND CONTROLLER present]
GROUND CONTROLLER
Your name's "Reality Sucks"??
[The CONTROLLER cackles heartily]
GROUND CONTROLLER
One second, Mister Sucks.
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
[CAT exchanges a worried glance with LISTER]
[-- - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station -----------------------]
[GROUND CONTROLLER present]
GROUND CONTROLLER
Just checking my clearance lists...
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
LISTER
Look, just do another smegging dance and we'll get the hell out of here!
CAT
Dance? With her I'd have trouble walking! Powering up!
[CAT throws Blue Midget's launching throttles into 'maximum lurch' and
G-forces push them backwards as the ship charges]
[-- - CGI/Model Shot ----------------------------------------------]
[Blue Midget charges drunkenly along a launch tube, 'arms' flailing]
[-- - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station ----------------------]
[GROUND CONTROLLER present]
GROUND CONTROLLER
Come back Mister Sucks, come back!
[-- - CGI/Model shot ---------------------------------------------]
[Blue Midget speeds away from the lumbering Red Dwarf]
[-- - CGI/Model shot ----------------------------------------------]
[Blue midget heads off alone into space]
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -----------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
KOCHANSKI
There's nothing on the scanner for a thousand mile radius... We're in the
clear, guys!
LISTER
Yes, oh yes!
KRYTEN
I don't believe we are, ma'am...
CAT
What's up?
KRYTEN
According to the supplies inventory we're frighteningly low on... oh, and
everyone was so happy, I can barely say it out loud...
RIMMER
What are we frighteningly low on? Oxygen?
KRYTEN
Worse! Fabric softener!
Suggest we chart a course to the nearest derelict, the SS Einstein...
before everyone's woolens get all bibbly-bobbly!
CAT
Einstein? Wasn't he the dude who discovered America?
RIMMER
Einstein discovered the Theory of Relativity.
CAT
Where did he discover it? Was it fossilised, and stuff?
[RIMMER draws in breath and prepares to lecture]
RIMMER
The Theory of Relativity is... What is the Theory of Relativity?
LISTER
Yeah, what is it, Holl?
[-- Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------]
HOLLY
Bit busy at the moment, Dave.
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
LISTER
Well, just tell us what is is in, sort of, simple layman's terms.
[-- - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------]
HOLLY
It's a theory.
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
LISTER
Yeah, but what is it?
[-- - Computer viewscreen ---------------------------------------]
HOLLY
Oh, you want it more complicated than that, do you?
[--- Int. Blue Midget cockpit -----------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
LISTER
What does it mean?
[-- - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------]
HOLLY
It's the Theory of Relativity. You know, it's the theory you only tell
your relatives.
[--- Int. Blue Midget cockpit ----------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
RIMMER
It's so sad. Holly's supposed to have an I.Q. of 6000. Now, I doubt he
could even spell I.Q.
[-- - Computer viewscreen -------------------------------------]
HOLLY
If I'm so stupid, if I'm computer senile, explain this then.
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit --------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
CAT
Explain what?
[-- - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------]
HOLLY
You can't, can you.
[-- Int. Blue Midget cockpit ----------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
LISTER
Explain what?
[-- Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------]
HOLLY
It's no good stalling, trying to buy time.
If I'm so stupid, explain why I was able to re-create a new set of
nanobots and get them to resurrect the crew.
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -----------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
RIMMER
What?
LISTER
Eh?
KOCHANSKI
What?
KRYTEN
What?
[-- - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------]
HOLLY
I thought you'd be pleased.
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
CAT
But why?
[-- - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------]
HOLLY
My job is to keep Dave sane. True, I'm not that good at it, but I do my
best. That's why I create these little diversions to keep him occupied.
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
LISTER
But Holl, we could have wound up doing two years in the brig!
[-- Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------]
HOLLY
Still could. I've just worked it out, we're still in A.R.
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -----------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
ALL
What?
[-- Computer viewscreen ---------------------------------------]
HOLLY
In computer jargon: my plans have all gone tits-up.
[-- - Int. Captain's office --------------------------------------]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
[HOLLISTER is sat at his desk, watching events unfold on a large viewscreen
on the wall at the opposite end of his office]
[-- - Blue-framed computer viewscreen ---------------------------]
[Red Dwarf HOLLY present]
[This version of HOLLY appears much like our own, except that his head is
elongated at the top, giving him a large forehead with texture mapping
that warps strangely as his head moves up and down]
[-- - Int. Captain's office --------------------------------------]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
HOLLY [on viewscreen]
I was out-thought, and out-manoeuvred.
LISTER [on viewscreen]
Who by?
[-- - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------]
HOLLY
By a superior intellect.
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit ------------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
CAT
You mean the hand-dryer in the men's toilets has outsmarted you again?
[--- Computer viewscreen --------------------------------------]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
No, by that -
[-- - Int. Captain's office -----
[-- - Computer viewscreen ---------------------------------------]
[HOLLY present]
HOLLY
- still our trial.
[-- - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -----------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
CAT
Our trial?? Why didn't you say? If I'd have known, I'd have worn a tie!
[-- - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
[Enter R.D. HOLLY]
[As HOLLISTER finishes watching, the image of the A.R. simulation on the
viewscreen is cleared with a diagonal wipe and is replaced by the image of
Red Dwarf's HOLLY]
HOLLISTER
Well, for me, Lister's nanobots story is corroborated. They were trying to
track 'em down. Their actions in the psychtropically induced scenario bear
that out.
R.D. HOLLY
I agree Frank. I also believe we died, and were, indeed, resurrected.
[-- - Computer viewscreen -----------------------------------------]
[Red Dwarf HOLLY present]
R.D. HOLLY
Again, borne out by their actions.
[-- - Int. Captain's office --------------------------------------]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
[R.D. HOLLY present, on viewscreen]
HOLLISTER
So, original charges: all innocent. But, its equally apparent that they
used classified information from the crew's confidential files to their own
ends. I suspected Rimmer had access the moment he walked into my office and
began acting incredibly smart and knowledgeable.
[-- - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------]
[Red Dwarf HOLLY present]
R.D. HOLLY
What a giveaway.
[-- - Int. Captain's office -------------------------------------]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
[R.D. HOLLY present, on viewscreen]
HOLLISTER
That's why I got him to lick one of the psychotropic envelopes when I
invited him to dinner.
[-- - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------]
[Red Dwarf HOLLY present]
R.D. HOLLY
So, abusing classified information. That's a fresh charge.
[-- - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
[R.D. HOLLY present, on viewscreen]
HOLLISTER
And on that, they're all guilty.
[-- - Computer viewscreen -----------------------------------------]
[Red Dwarf HOLLY present]
R.D. HOLLY
That's a statutory sentence.
[-- - Int. Captain's office --------------------------------------]
[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
[R.D. HOLLY present, on viewscreen]
HOLLISTER
I know. Two years in the brig.
[-- - Computer viewscreen --------------------------------------]
[Red Dwarf HOLLY present]
R.D. HOLLY
So, instead of the original charge and a possible sentence of two years
in the brig, they've been found guilty on another charge, and got an
entirely different two years in the brig. That's going to be a great comfort
to them.
I'll bring them around, and break the news.
[-- - Int. Artificial Reality chamber ---------------------------]
[LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT, RIMMER present]
RIMMER
This is reality? But how can we be sure?
CAT
Why do we care? Nothing makes any sense no matter where we are.
LISTER
Look, everything was real before we licked the envelopes, right? Then we
conked out, and got carted off to A.R. before we licked anything... before
we licked anything... I lent you my Holly watch!
RIMMER
So if this is reality, I should still be wearing it...
[-- - Composite shot ---------------------------------------------]
[HOLLY present]
[Closeup of RIMMER's wristwatch, HOLLY's head is superimposed onto the face]
HOLLY
Oh yeah, this is reality, all right. I'd recognise it anywhere.
[-- Int. Artificial Reality chamber ---------------------------]
[LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT, RIMMER present]
KRYTEN
Also, sir, shouldn't you have the viruses? Again, you found them on
Starbug before we licked the envelopes.
[RIMMER takes out the two test tubes to confirm, then holds up the blue
Luck virus, studying the contents of the tube]
RIMMER
The Luck virus; maybe we can still get out of this mess.
[Enter HOLLISTER]
[Like a true cartoon villain, HOLLISTER swipes the Luck virus before
RIMMER can react]
HOLLISTER
I'll take that. The lab boys are gonna want to run tests on it.
[Out of sight, RIMMER surreptitiously hands the Sexual Magnetism virus
to LISTER]
HOLLISTER
Where's the other one.
RIMMER
I'm afraid I lost it, sir.
HOLLISTER
God damn it, Rimmer! I wanted that! Er, I mean, the lab boys wanted it,
to, er, test it, too. Damn!
[Exit HOLLISTER]
KOCHANSKI
This is all your fault.
RIMMER
My fault?
KOCHANSKI
You betrayed us over that confidential files scam -
LISTER
Stole the Sexual Magnetism virus -
KRYTEN
You lied to us -
KOCHANSKI
And generally behaved like a self-serving, scum-sucking, ruthless little
ratbag!
RIMMER
And that's bad?
[--- Int. Holding cells ----------------------------------------]
[CAT, RIMMER, KRYTEN, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
[HOLLY present, displayed on a mobile monitor beside KOCHANSKI]
[The humanoid Dwarfers are all dressed in featureless grey jumpsuits, and
are lined up against a wall marked with height lines. Each holds a board
on which is stencilled their prisoner number. The board displaying
HOLLY's number sits on top of his monitor casing]
HOLLISTER [VO]
It is the finding of this enquiry that you have been found guilty of
contravening Act 21 of the Space Federation. Before sentencing, you will
have medicals so you can be assigned appropriate prison status.
HOLLY
I've buggered this up a bit, haven't I.
[-- - Int. Elevator ----------------------------------------------]
[Close up on control panel in the lift wall. Beside the buttons marked with
floor numbers is an inset panel coloured with black and yellow chevrons
and labelled "Authorised personnel only". A gloved hand enters the shot,
inserts a key into a lock set into the panel and turns it, sliding open
the cover to previously hitton button. The button is marked with the
number 13. The gloved hand presses the button, which illuminates]
[-- CGI/Model shot --------------------------------------------]
[The elevator speeds down its shaft]
[-- - Int. Floor 13 penal colony ---------------------------------]
[We look down from a ledge overlooking a vast cylindrical chamber. Walkways
at various levels circle the chamber, and a group of people standing in
lines can be made out at the bottom]
[-- - Int. Floor 13 penal colony induction area ------------------]
[PRISONERS, WARDENS, HEAD WARDEN present]
[Enter RIMMER, LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN]
[The Dwarfers make their way uneasily between the ranks of hard-faced
prisoners. RIMMER stands in the front-most line, LISTER in the row behind
him, KRYTEN and CAT behind him somewhere, out of sight]
HEAD WARDEN
Welcome to the Tank...
[As the lines wait patiently, LISTER creeps up behind RIMMER, takes out the
tube of Sexual Magnetism virus and sprinkles it liberally across RIMMER's
shoulder before shuffling away. Unaware, RIMMER slowly begins to notice
the inmates around him casting glances in his direction, then moving
closer with disturbing smiles on their faces. As pairs of grimy hands
begin to fasten around his body parts, RIMMER succumbs to panic and the
scene mercifully disappears from sight...]
[------------------------ END OF "BACK IN THE RED" -------------------]