RED DWARF - SERIES 7 EPISODE 5 -- "BLUE"

[-- 1 - Int. Starbug ------------------------------------------------------]

[LISTER present, polishing a pair of boots]

[Enter KRYTEN]

speaking>

KRYTEN

Good morning, sir! How about a little breakfast? What would you say to a

dozen grilled winkels on a bed of curried rice crispies?

LISTER

I'm not eatin' that spicy stuff any more.

KRYTEN

Forgive me, sir, but the phenomena of you not eating spicy food is like

a - a - zebra not being stripy, or an old lady not sitting on a park bench

with her legs open.

May I ask why?

LISTER

Apart from anything else it makes y' breath smell like a lift full of

senile donkeys returning from a gargling contest.

KRYTEN

Well, that's never bothered you before, sir..?

LISTER

Well it bothers me now, okay??

KRYTEN

It's because of *her*, isn't it... 'she who must be drooled over'...

LISTER

You mean Kris?

KRYTEN

Whatever *my* feelings, sir, I will *not* be tempted into making petty

criticisms of fellow crewmembers.

There is, of course, the issue of the salad cream...

LISTER

'The salad cream'..?

KRYTEN

I spent many months training everyone to put the salad cream in the

fridge. Then *she* comes on board, and - lo and behold! - it turns up back

in the cupboard!

LISTER

The first moon we come to - let's dump her!

[-- x - Int. Starbug corridor ---------------------------------------------]

[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]

KRYTEN

And what about the extra laundry? Now there are all kinds of

extraordinary items turning up in the dirty linen basket: tights; bras;

skimpy vests; little socks - tut, it's a massive extra workload! Frank is

very upset.

LISTER

Frank?

KRYTEN

The washing machine. I named him Frank, he works better with an identity.

And what about the ironing? I mean, *how* do you iron a bra??

LISTER

Well, you've gotta take it off first...

I spent years practicing that - used to put m' nan's bra around the

armchair until I could unhook it with m' left hand. Even now, whenever I

see a {Parker nol??} I get horny.

[-- x - Int. Starbug Mid-section ------------------------------------------]

[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]

KRYTEN

But have you ever tried to iron a bra, sir? The only way I've found is

to stretch each container over my head, and iron it from there. Believe me,

on a hot cotton setting it sends my optical systems into leak overload.

LISTER

Cup.

KRYTEN

Sorry, sir?

LISTER

They're not called containers, they're called cups.

KRYTEN

See? I even have to learn new terminology, special *female* terminology:

'cups', 'pot pourri', 'depillatory cream' - oh! It's never-ending.

LISTER

How come you don't know what bras are? What about the women on the

Nova 5?

KRYTEN

Well, when I cleaned up my cache files, sir, I erased my lingerie

database. I didn't see there's be much call for it, unless we had a fancy

dress party, and you wanted to go as Herman Goering.

LISTER

Anyway, you can relax, Kryten. She programmed the scan probe last week,

and it's returned the coordinates of the dimensional tear. This time

tomorrow she;ll be back in her own dimension.

KRYTEN

Well you're surely not upset, sir?

LISTER

Look, if you've got a problem with *her*, say something to *her*.

KRYTEN

I think I will!

LISTER

There's no point whinging to me about it, say it to *her*.

[Enter KOCHANSKI]

KOCHANSKI

Hi guys, how's it going?

KRYTEN

Ah! Morning Miss Kochanski, ma'am! Sleep well?

LISTER

Coward.

KRYTEN

Hypocrite.

KOCHANSKI

Erm, not great, actually. Had this really weird dream about a monkey

being stretched across a tennis court... noise was just unbearable...

Where you practising the guitar again last night?

KOCHANSKI

So, what's for breakfast?

KOCHANSKI

Ah, what's this doing in here?

KRYTEN

Hold me back! *Hold* me back!

[-- x - Model shot --------------------------------------------------------]

[-- x - Int. Sleeping quarters --------------------------------------------]

[LISTER, KRYTEN present]

KRYTEN

Don't you see, sir, these deviations from established Space Corps. drill

could put our lives in jeapardy!

LISTER

She was only drying her tights on the radiator!

KRYTEN

That's the thin end of the wedge, sir! One day it's drying tights, the

next we're spiralling out of control into the core of a newly-formed sun!

[Enter KOCHANSKI]

KOCHANSKI

Er, sorry to interrupt, but we've got a couple of problems: all the

hazard-approach lights are flashing -

KRYTEN

All of them?

KOCHANSKI

Yes, although on this ship that can mean anything from "we're under

attack", to "the baked potatoes are burning".

[Exit KOCHANSKI]

KRYTEN

Either way, it's serious.

[Exit KRYTEN, LISTER]

[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------------]

[CAT, KOCHANSKI present]

[Enter LISTER, KRYTEN]

CAT

Getting a reading... There's something up ahead: a shiny thing, with a

long, silvery, glimmery thing behind it.

KOCHANSKI

It's a phasing comet - velocity 25,000mps.

CAT

That's what I said!

LISTER

Kryten?

KRYTEN

How am I supposed to concentrate on a phasing comet when, as soon as my

back's turned, the sald cream gets warm.

KOCHANSKI

Heading straight for it's tail - plotting avoidance course.

LISTER

What's the problem with going through it? It'll get you home quicker.

KOCHANSKI

Last time anyone did that, the gyroscopic forces ripped the ship apart,

turning the crew into the consistency of potato salad!

CAT

Is that the firm, delicatessen form of potato salad, or the squishy, gooey

stuff in tins?

KOCHANSKI

[beat]

Tins...

CAT

Maybe we should go around..?

LISTER

We'll make it - we're a crew - we've been through a few things. Remember

when we met up with the Vidal Beast of Sharma II?

CAT

The one that nearly killed us?

LISTER

No, the other one!

Look, we can make it, okay?

KOCHANSKI

Do you *know* what a comet is made of?

LISTER

Are you suggesting that I don't know what a comet's made of?

KOCHANSKI

Yes.

LISTER

Well I do.

KOCHANSKI

So what's it made of?

LISTER

What's it made of?

KOCHANSKI

Yes.

LISTER

You wanna know what it's made of?

KOCHANSKI

Yes, I do.

KRYTEN

Ma'am, he knows what it's made of.

KOCHANSKI

What??

KRYTEN

Sir, tell her for goodness sake!

KOCHANSKI

So, what's it made of?

LISTER

I see - I see... Gas. Some kind of gas.

KOCHANSKI

Some kind of gas??

LISTER

Yeah, some gas! Dunno what it's called, some gassy type of gas.

KOCHANSKI

It's made of *ice*.

LISTER

Exactly! An icey type of gas, that's what I said: ice, an ice gas.

CAT

I hate to interrupt, but this thing, whatever the hell it is, is gonna hit

us in about forty-five seconds!

LISTER

I was only tryin' to save time, so we could get to the dimensional tear

quicker! So you could get home to your much better Lister.

KOCHANSKI

And I'm just trying to prevent us being scattered all over the galaxy like

some kind of cosmic seasoning!

CAT

Here it comes!

KOCHANSKI

That wasn't forty-five seconds!

CAT

Oh - sorry! I was reading the baked potato timer by mistake! Will people

not leave that in here?? It just makes us look like we don't know what the

hell we're doing!

[comet hit]

CAT

Lateral trimmers not responding! It's like wrestling in treacle!

KOCHANSKI

You hear that? Cat says the trimmers are like wrestling in treacle!

CAT

No, I said they were *down*, then I asked if you like wrestling in --

Anyway...

LISTER

Damage report, Kryten.

KRYTEN

Auxilliary flight modulator has short-circuited --

CAT

And the chocolate dispensers' ejected all the {someting!} snack bars onto

the gallery floor!

[model shot]

LISTER

What's happenned to the stabalisers?

CAT

Never mind the stabalisers! Where's the hair mousse?

KRYTEN

Stabalisers very unstable...

CAT

Thirty snack bars sliding about!

LISTER

I'm taking over control!

LISTER

Yeaaaay, what did I tell ya? Come to daddy, baby! I have *control*.

KOCHANSKI

It's called the pre-fold vaccum; we're in-between vapour streams. With a

bit of luck we can ride it across to the other side of its tail.

[the second wave hits]

KOCHANSKI

Or maybe not!

If we don't turn around and go back we'll disintegrate in two minutes!

LISTER

Kryten?

KRYTEN

That's a little pessimistic, sir, I'd say more like three!

LISTER

I think we should turn around...

LISTER

Pheww...

Well, go on, say it.

KOCHANSKI

Say what?

LISTER

You know what you want to say. Say it.

KOCHANSKI

You want me to say it?

LISTER

Say it.

KOCHANSKI

You *really* want me to say it?

LISTER

Go on, say it!

KOCHANSKI

All right. My Dave would *never* have endangered our crew like that.

LISTER

You *had* to say it, didn't you.

Will you stop calling your boyfriend 'Dave', he's just an alternative

version of me from a prallel dimension. He's not 'Dave', he's the

anti-Lister.

KOCHANSKI

Well, whoever the hell he is, I'm not gonna get to see him. By the time

we fix this *mess* I'll have missed the Linkway!

[Exit KOCHANSKI]

LISTER

Coulda got through that if the thrusters had worked...

CAT

According to the SysComm, the thrusters never worked 'cos we were

carrying too much weight.

KRYTEN

It's Miss Kochanski's *laundry*; why will no one listen to me? Those

little whirly things are heavier than they look!

CAT

Suppose we take a look in the cargo hold and see what supplies can be

jettisoned?

LISTER

I'll go. I could do with a breath of musty, fetid air...

KRYTEN

Er, sir... you didn't *deliberately* damage the ship so that Miss

Kochanski had to stay behind, did you..?

LISTER

No! 'Course not!

Look, I'm gonna check out the hold. Rimmer, man, you comin'?

LISTER

Did I say..? Why did I call you 'Rimmer'? I called you 'Rimmer', my god!

Cat! Are you gonna make yourself useful or are you gonna preen yourself

all day?

CAT

You mean I have a choice??

LISTER

Come onnn...

Can't believe I called you 'Rimmer'...

[-- x - Int. Sleeping Quarters -------------------------------------------]

[KOCHANSKI present]

KOCHANSKI

Yesss?

[Enter KRYTEN]

KRYTEN

As it seems you may be with us for some time, ma'am, I was wondering if I

might go through a few 'rules of the ship'?

KOCHANSKI

Like what..?

KRYTEN

Salad cream. Salad cream belongs in the fridge, and *not* in the

cupboard.

Two: Pants belong in the pants drawer, and socks belong in the socks

drawer. Having discovered a sock in your pants drawer, this simple

principle obviously needs re-stating...

KOCHANSKI

Talking of my clothes, I'd like you to explain why my bras come back from

the laundry shaped like... like... your *head*..?

KRYTEN

Three: The toilet seat fiasco --

KOCHANSKI

Kryten! I just don't want to hear this!

KRYTEN

Mr Lister hasn't said anything, but I can tell he's *not* happy...

KOCHANSKI

Well he's not the only one! Do you think I *like* flying around space in

this big skip-with-thrusters? Do you think I even enjoy breathing in on

this ship?? And to cap it all, I am faced with some neurotic droid who's

completely obsessed with my pants drawer!

KRYTEN

You mean I'm not alone..? Oh, I see. You mean me.

Well, just as long as we understand one another!

[Exit KRYTEN]

KOCHANSKI

Ohhh, *god*. Welcome to hell...

[-- x - Int. Cargo hold --------------------------------------------------]

[LISTER, CAT present]

LISTER

Look at these... Rimmer's old shoe trees. He had one for every pair of

his shoes. Gave them all names: Mon-shoetree, Tue-shoetree,

Weden-shoetree...

CAT

What the hell for?

LISTER

So they all spent the same ammount of time in his shoes.

CAT

Tsh. What a smeg head...

LISTER

Oh, he had lots of funny little habits. But now that he's gone, I can see

them for what they were...

CAT

Cretinous.

LISTER

No... they were all the little foibles that made Rimmer... speecial. He

was unique.

CAT

Yeah... irritating, awkward and unsightly. He was the human equivalent of

a visible pantie line!

Well, we may as well start somewhere. These can go!

LISTER

No, no, you can't throw *them* out. They're from when me and Rimmer

played gold on Treka XVI. We had a lot of fun.

CAT

You had *fun* with Rimmer??

[DISSOLVE: LISTER's flashback]

[-- x - Ext. Planetscape ------------------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER present]

KRYTEN

I'm afraid I only had room to build a nine-hole course, sirs. It *is* a

very small planetoid. Er, taking into consideration the thiness of

atmosphere, sir, I've made this a fifteen mile hole, par 3.

KRYTEN

Oh, good *shot*, sir!

LISTER

Heyyy, watch this - watch and weep...

LISTER

Ohh, smeg!

KRYTEN

Ooh, I - I think it's gone into orbit, sir.

RIMMER

Tough luck, Listy - I'll just pot mine and you owe me fifty big ones!

[Exit RIMMER]

LISTER

Look at him, in the right boots he could be marchin' into Poland.

LISTER

'Eyy, this is Rimmer's ball, isn't it?

KRYTEN

It must have gone right around the planetoid, sir.

LISTER

Well, no point botherin' him about it, Krytie, let's go.

[-- x - Int. Blue Midget cockpit -----------------------------------------]

[LISTER present, sat with feet up, watching RIMMER searching planetoid

surface on a monitor]

RIMMER

It must be here, somewhere! I've been 'round the planetoid twice!

LISTER

No ball, no bet, man - keep lookin'.

[DISSOLVE: out of flashback]

[-- x - Int. Cargo hold --------------------------------------------------]

[LISTER, CAT present]

LISTER

Memories like that are just too precious to throw away...

[Enter KRYTEN]

KRYTEN

Hello there, sir, how's it going?

CAT

We're getting nowhere, bud. He won't throw anything away because it

reminds him of the good times he had with Rimmer! I must have blinked and

missed them.

LISTER

You don't know what we used to do back on Red Dwarf in the early days.

Like when we played the Locker Room game, we used to open up the lockers of

all the dead crew members, and we got to keep whatever we found.

[DISSOLVE: LISTER's flashback]

[-- x - Int. Red Dwarf locker-room --------------------------------------]

RIMMER

I don't trust you, Lister... this game's rigged. Every time we play it,

you win. Last time, you got a 30 carat gold wristwatch, and all I got was

one Wellington boot and a box of one hundred assorted tampons that glow in

the dark.

Right, well I'll go first this time.

LISTER

Okay.

RIMMER

No, you can go first...

LISTER

Okay, I'll have sixty-eight.

RIMMER

Ah-a-a-a-a. *I'll* have sixty-eight.

LISTER

Fine...

RIMMER

Er - you can have it.

LISTER

Why??

RIMMER

I know that you chose *that* one because you think that I think that

you're cheating; so I'll have it, and it'll be useless. Ahhhhhhh, I'm not

gonna fall for that one, Listy. You can have it.

LISTER

To smart for me, man...

LISTER

'Eyy, a gold necklace; a bundle of cash; and 'eyyy, a nude wrestlin'

video! "Baked bean bombshells Volume 12".

RIMMER

Right! Well I'll have... *that* one. Number fifty-eight.

LISTER

Okay...

by a gout of flame that bursts out of the opened door. In hardlight form,

he is untouched by the flame but is left stunned when it clears>

RIMMER

What the hell was that??

LISTER

There's a note... "People who break into lockers deserve everything they

get, you cheap double-crossing slimeball".

Sounds like they know you.

[DISSOLVE: out of flashback]

[-- x - Int. Cargo hold --------------------------------------------------]

[LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN present]

LISTER

See what I mean? We had fun, it was great. We had *fun*.

KRYTEN

I'll put the rubber room on standby, sir...

[-- x - Model shot -------------------------------------------------------]

[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]

[LISTER present]

[Enter RIMMER, still dressed in Ace's flightsuit]

LISTER

About time, Cat, you're late. Now, where've you been?

RIMMER

Hello, Listy.

LISTER

Rimmer..? Smeggin' 'ell! What're you doin' 'ere?

RIMMER

I got fed up with adventuring... you know what it's like: you save a

couple of civilisations and it all gets a bit... samey.

I thought I'd come and find the old team.

LISTER

It's good to see you.

Are you real?

RIMMER

I'm as real as you can get, being a hologram.

LISTER

So... where've you been?

RIMMER

Argon 5. I fought in the Bellagosian War; I was decorated, and used as a

Christmas tree in the town square where people came and fed me cherry

liqueur chocolates for the whole winter.

Nahh, I'm only kidding.

LISTER

Kiddin'? What do you know about kidding?

RIMMER

I just thought it was time I livened up a bit!

RIMMER

Hey hey!

RIMMER

So, er, how about you? How's it going?

LISTER

Ahh, y'know. Same old Starbug. Same old travelling through space.

RIMMER

I, erm, I hear you've got a new crewmember?

LISTER

Yeah, Kochanski.

RIMMER

What's she like?

LISTER

She's okay, y'know?

RIMMER

Is she... as good as me?

LISTER

Well, she's been here a few weeks and she hasn't quoted one Space Corps.

directive...

RIMMER

She's pretty attractive though, isn't she?

LISTER

Is she? I hadn't really noticed. She's the type you don't really notice.

When you eat soup and spill some on your shirt and you don't notice it? Mm,

she's like that.

RIMMER

So, she's... not as attractive as me, then?

LISTER

Don't be daft... she couldn't hold a candle to you, man.

RIMMER

Nah, you're just saying that.

LISTER

I'm not.

I missed you, man.

RIMMER

And I've missed you too, Listy.

LISTER

Ohh, Arnold, man...

RIMMER

Dave...

LISTER

Don't ever leave us again!

RIMMER

I won't!

LISTER

You promise?

RIMMER

Ohh, Listy...

LISTER

Ohh, Rimsy...

either of their control - slowly, but surely, their lips join in a kiss>

[The instant their mouths lock, cut to...]

[-- x - Int. Sleeping quarters -------------------------------------------]

[LISTER present, lying in bed]

LISTER

Yaaaaarrrggh!!

the floor>

LISTER

Aaargh! Get off! Get off!!

LISTER

Ohh, just a dream... thank god for that! It was just a dream...

[-- x - Model shot -------------------------------------------------------]

[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------]

[CAT, KRYTEN present]

KRYTEN

And another thing she does is, she keeps her pants in her sock drawer;

have you any idea how time consuming that can be to sort out?

CAT

You mean, you've seen her pants??

[-- x - Model shot -------------------------------------------------------]

[-- x - Int. Starbug medi-bay --------------------------------------------]

[KRYTEN, LISTER present]

LISTER

You're right Kryten, I must be losin' it, or I'd never be dreaming stuff

like *that*. Kissin' Rimmer..? I'd rather go bobbing for apples in the

communal latrine at Reading festival!

KRYTEN

I'm sure this will help, sir, I'll just insert my hypno-therapy disk...

KRYTEN

Now, just relax...

LISTER

What the hell???

KRYTEN

Sorry, sir! Wrong disk - that was my German language course; an extract

from Hitler's Nuremburg speech. Definitely hypnotic, but not in the right

way... I'll just go and find the proper one.

[Exit KRYTEN]

[Enter KOCHANSKI]

LISTER

What are you doin' in here?

KOCHANSKI

Just looking for something to erase the memory of everything I've ever

experienced... Couple of gallons of medicinal alcohol should do it.

LISTER

Listen, for what it's worth - I'm sorry you missed getting back to your

Dave. 'The hologrammatic hunk'.

KOCHANSKI

That's okay; I'm sure there'll be another chance for you to cock it up

again.

LISTER

Suppose you must be missin' him?

KOCHANSKI

Yeah, I am a bit.

LISTER

I know what it's like to miss someone. The way they talk, the way they

laugh -

KOCHANSKI

Heh, I know.

LISTER

The way their nostils flare up like two railway tunnels leading into Snot

Street station.

KOCHANSKI

N-no, you've lost me there...

So you're missing Rimmer??

LISTER

Had a dream about him, but he was different. All smiles and jokes and...

stuff.

KOCHANSKI

I thought you guys didn't get on?

LISTER

We didn't, that's what's so weird! His tidyness drove me crazy, the way

he used to eat his food in alphabetical order; the way he only ever used

three pieces of toilet paper: one up, one down, and one to polish.

KOCHANSKI

Did he have *any* redeeming features?

LISTER

No. Oh yeah, sometimes he went out of the room.

KOCHANSKI

So, how come Rimmer came to be around, anyway?

LISTER

Well, Holly brought him back to keep me sane, but he drove me mad!

KOCHANSKI

So, now he's gone, maybe you feel guilty because you realise he was trying

to help you?

LISTER

If he was trying to help me, why didn't he... lighten up a bit? Be happy?

KOCHANSKI

Maybe he sacrificed his happiness to keep you sane? But when he appeared

in your dream he was different, a carefree, fun-loving Rimmer. A Rimmer who

didn't nag you into helping him catalogue his cheese collection.

LISTER

You're saying I had him all wrong?

KOCHANSKI

Wasn't your *fault*... you had to hate him, it was what kept you going.

LISTER

I didn't know...

LISTER

You know what I should do? I should throw everything away, and make a new

start.

[Enter KRYTEN]

KRYTEN

Ahh - sorry Miss Kochanski, ma'am, this *is* the medical bay, for *sick*

people only; surely you haven't broken out in a confusingly-filed pants

rash?

KOCHANSKI

Kryten, do you know how to extract a warm bottle of salad cream from a

mechanoid's rectal cavity?

KRYTEN

Not off hand, ma'am, but I could research it?

KOCHANSKI

I'd start right now if I were you...

[Exit KOCHANSKI]

KRYTEN

Okay, sir, now... just relax...

LISTER

It's all right, Kryten. I've talked things through with Kochanski, I'm

feeling a lot better.

KRYTEN

Well that really takes the biscuit, doesn't it. Turn my back for five

minutes and she waltzes in here and cures you!

LISTER

She was only trying to help...

KRYTEN

It's not the help I mind, sir, it's the fact that she succeeded!

[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]

[LISTER, CAT, KOCHANSKI present]

LISTER

Okay guys! I know declare games night officially open. Seeing as Kris is

with us, you can have the honour of choosing the first game - and as you're

a bit sensitive, we're not gonna have any games that involve dropping

trousers and lighting stuff.

CAT

Well that takes care of most of the repertoire!

Where's Kryten??

LISTER

I dunno, he should be here.

Okay Kris? Name your game...

KOCHANSKI

All right! I choose... 'The Magic Flute'!

LISTER

What's that? Sort of 'Musical Chairs'?

KOCHANSKI

No, it's an opera... 'Magic Flute'? Okay, we each hum a section of an

aria, and the others have to guess which character is singing.

CAT

That's a game?

LISTER

It's more like medieval torture...

KOCHANSKI

No, it's really good, 'cos, you can, like, throw each other off the

scent! Once, Dave - my Dave - he sang The Birdcatcher's Song in the

*German* translation, and it was *hilarious*! We all, like, totally fell

about!

LISTER

You fell about?

KOCHANSKI

Yeah!

LISTER

What, were you going through a meteor storm?

KOCHANSKI

So what games do you play, then? 'Match the Bodypart to the Crewmember'?

CAT

I always love that one!

KOCHANSKI

'Armpit Name That Tune'? 'Guess Whose Bottie is Sticking Through a Hole

in the Curtain'?

CAT

Shall I add that one to the slate, bud?

[Enter KRYTEN]

KRYTEN

Games night is cancelled; if you'll all kindly follow me to the AR suite,

I have something - I think - might amuse...

[Exit ALL]

[-- x - Int. AR Suite ----------------------------------------------------]

[ALL present]

KRYTEN

I believe this is the answer to your dream, sir, and something slightly

more effective than Miss Kochanski's psychobabble...

[-- x - Int. AR sim ------------------------------------------------------]

[ALL present, seated two-abreast in a simulation of a roller-coaster car.

There is no discernable scenery, other than a large set of fairground-

styled double-doors just ahead of their car. Lightbulbs flash gaily over

the doors, upon which is stencilled "The Rimmer Experience"]

KRYTEN

It's a museum to Mr Rimmer's memory; I made it myself. If anyone finds

they are missing him, they can relive those great moments - it's all in

there: the man, the memories, the personality.

CAT

The ego...

KRYTEN

Yes - I had to scale that down quite a bit.

LISTER

How did you compile all the exhibits?

KRYTEN

Well, I re-created key events in his life from Mr Rimmer's diaries; he

kept meticulous records of life on board ship.

Enjoy!

doors>

[Viewpoint cuts to a point further down the featureless track]

face fades into being to one side of them>

RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER

Welcome, to the Rimmer Experience. A place of wonder, excitement, and...

wonder.

You are about to witness some heroic events, which you may well find

impossible to attribute to any living person; but then, Arnold J. Rimmer was

a deeply remarkable man...

RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER

Being the driving force behind the Red Dwarf mission, the fearless Rimmer

had to dice with death on a daily basis.

LISTER

What??

RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER

Sometimes it needed a strong mind and cool nerves to hold the crew

together:

eyes>

RIMMER EXPERIENCE: KRYTEN

Asteroid belt up ahead, sir.

RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER

No it isn't Kryten, you thick, titanium plank; those are large, broken

fragments of a dying star which have compressed together under enormous

pressure, causing them to compress into large fragments.

RIMMER EXPERIENCE: KRYTEN

You're quite right, sir, as usual. How could I have made such an

elementary mistake? As usual.

RIMMER EXPERIENCE: CAT

It's at times like these that I get really scared!

RIMMER EXPERIENCE: LISTER

Me too! Save us! Somebody save us before I wet m' keks!

LISTER

That never happenned! I swear that never happenned!

LISTER

I feel sick!

KRYTEN

I'm sorry, sir, it *is* a bit bumpy.

LISTER

Nah, it's what I'm *seeing* that's making me sick!

lap bars. Another 'playlet' takes shape>

RIMMER EXPERIENCE: RIMMER

So you see, Cat? If you wear the green paisley shirt with the cavalry-

twill trousers, you can be dignified *and* fashionable at the same time.

CAT

Let me at him! I'm gonna kill him! Cavalry-twill? What does he think I

am? A woodwork teacher?

RIMMER EXPERIENCE: CAT

Say, Rimmer's a really great guy, isn't he! I don't know what we'd do

without him!

RIMMER EXPERIENCE: LISTER

I owe my life to him!

LISTER

Get me out of here!

KRYTEN

Wait a minute; here comes the best bit...

down and around, while around them a truly bizzare set of imagery begins

to take shape, and, to a jolly tune, a distingushed voice begins to spill

forth the following lyrics>

RIMMER EXPERIENCE

If you're in trouble he will save the day,

He's brave and he's fearless come what may,

Without him the mission would go astray...

He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,

Without him life would be much grimmer,

He's handsome, trim, and no-one's slimmer,

He will never need a Zimmer.

He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,

More reliable than a garden strimmer,

He's never been mistaken for Yul Brynner,

He's not bald and his head doesn't glimmer.

Master of the wit and the repartee,

His command of Space Directives is uncanny,

How come he's such a genius? Don't ask me...

Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,

He's also a fantastic swimmer,

And if you play your cards right,

then he just might come 'round for dinner.

[-- x - Int. AR sim ------------------------------------------------------]

[The music and images fade, and we find ourselves at the other side of 'The

Rimmer Experience'. A second set of double-doors mark the exit, and these

crash open to disgorge the evil-minded roller-coaster car, which jerks to a

violent halt just outside the doors]

[ALL present]

LISTER

I never wanna see or hear from that scum-sucking, lying, weasel-minded

smegger in my entire life!

KRYTEN

Sigmund Freud: eat your heart out!

[----------------------------- END OF "BLUE" ------------------------------]