RED DWARF - SERIES 7 EPISODE 4 -- "DUCT SOUP"
[-- 1 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]
[LISTER present, lying in bed, covered in sweat]
LISTER
92 degrees... god!
I want a drink but I can't be bothered to get up...
I wanna go to the loo but I can't be bothered to go down the corridor...
This is one of the universal dilemmas - something which has confronted all
men since the beginning of time... to pee or not to pee... that is the
question.
No, I'll just lie here, really thirsty, with a full bladder, and try and
get to sleep.
Smeggin 'ell!
[-- 2 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]
[KOCHANSKI present, lying in bed, wild eyes staring at a set of pipes fixed
to the wall beside her, and a spanner held tightly in her fists]
KOCHANSKI
One more time, and you get *this*. D'you hear?? Don't think I don't mean
it! One more time, just - one more.
almost be believed that some kind of immense alien monster is dying within
them. Like a striking cobra, KOCHANSKI smashes her spanner into the
offending ironwork, sending three loud 'clang's reverberating throughout
the ship>
KOCHANSKI
What did I tell you? I told you! Didn't I tell you?? How many times
have I told you? Right, what was the last one?
through the pages and consults the latest entries>
KOCHANSKI
'Nureek'. So the next one will be a 'retut', and the one after that will
be a 'hanunga'.
Four seconds; three seconds; two seconds --
KOCHANSKI
Now 'hanunga'...
No, that's wrong! You've gone out of sequence! 'Nureek', 'retut',
'hanunga' - what's wrong with you??
If you're gonna keep me up all night just do it right, okay?!?
'Squrlookal'?? Where does 'squrlookal' come from?? It's new!
[-- 3 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]
[LISTER present. He stands in a shower cubicle, shrouded by steam which
clears as he turns off the water and steps out.]
Phew, that's better. Kill two birds with one shower.
pillow. Clutching it to his chest, he smiles beatifically and heads back
[-- 4 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]
[KOCHANSKI present. Sat now at the foot of her bed, she has taken a pair of
woolly socks and bunched each of the pair over an ear, holding them in
place with a hair band. Sliding back into bed, she lies back down, and
takes up her spanner for comfort]
I can't hear you. You can do whatever you like - I can't hear a damn
In a hitherto unknown state of purest rage KOCHANSKI lays into the pipes,
clangs bouncing around Starbug until the camera cuts away...>
[-- 5 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]
and writhes for a moment before easing up and bashing the pillow with his
fist to plump it. Throwing his head down, he finds the pillow still not
right, and punches it a few more times. Still unhappy with the result and
by now quite frustrated, he pounds the pillow several more times as the
[-- 6 - Int. Starbug mid-section ------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN present. He sits at the scanner table, darning clothes]
[Enter KOCHANSKI, socks still over her ears and wrapped in her bed's
Oh my goodness. It's Princess Leia. Luke Skywalker went that way, ma'am.
It's nearly 9am, ma'am, what are you doing up?
Looking for someone to kill - care to volunteer?
Have you ever listened to those clapped-out old pipes? 'Nureek'ing and
'retut'ing, and just when you expect them to 'nureek' again, they
KOCHANSKI comes to a halt by the work-top and bashes her spanner a few
times against its inoffensive surface>
It's enough to make a perfectly sane person crazy!!!
It's quite amazing, the number of people those pipes have driven to the
very brink of psychosis. Mr Lister spent the night in there once, and he
ended up trying to suffocate himself to death with an onion sandwich.
Look at this. This is a boys fridge. Women would never have fridges like
this. Chilled trainers? It just wouldn't happen!
What would you say to a glass of drinking chocolate?
I'd say: "Glass of drinking chocolate, get me out of here!"
I can't live like this, I need a bath. I hate showers, I've always hated
showers. Ask anyone who knows me what I hate, and do you know what they'll
You see! Even you know and you hardly know me!
I need a bath. I need sleep; I need *clothes*; I need... cottage cheese
Well, the next Space Corps. ship we come across ma'am, I'm sure we'll find
[KOCHANSKI flops into a chair by the scanner table and her face begins to
I mean, I knew when I joined the Corps. that it'd be tough in Deep
Space... I accepted shopping was unlikely. But then I lost my crew, my
ship, and I ended up here with a fridge full of trainers, two sets of
clothes, and pipes that 'squrlookal' when they should 'nureek'!
I mean, I've tried, I really have tried to fit in! I even tried learning
Ma'am, please... I've never had to comfort a crying woman before. Er, I'm
not familiar with the technique, er, hang on - just processing.
Oh, oh, I see! Oh, well, don't worry, ma'am - I know the drill now.
unceremoniously delivers a sharp squeeze>
What are you doing!? Get off me!
The Heimlich Manoeuvre, ma'am, I believe it helps women stop crying.
The Heimlich Manoeuvre stops people *choking*, you idiot!
No, I think you're wrong, ma'am.
I'm not wrong! You've just got a corrupted file in your database!
Well, then... why have you stopped crying?
Well, because it's really hard to cry when someone's doing the Heimlich
Manoeuvre on you. It really puts you off!
But, you're not crying, though.
Nooo! It didn't work! It just - oh shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
and lets out a despairing sigh>
Where did it all go wrong..? My life started off so promisingly. Rich
parents; good school; pony named Trumper. How did I end up like this? On
a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going down to the laundry
room and watching my knickers spin dry...
Ma'am! That is *not* true! No one has ever done that!
That's only because they don't know when you wash them! Couple of posters
and a trailer before 'The World's Stupidest Stuntmen' video and, take it
from me, that laundry room will be packed!
I think you're doing Mr Lister and the Cat a great disservice, ma'am. A
[-- 7 - Int. Starbug laundry room -----------------------------------------]
[LISTER, CAT present. Both are sat staring vacantly at the spinning washing
Wow - this is the best load yet!
Just for the record I'd like to repeat that I'm only here because I can't
sleep. So I decided to do some of my laundry and help out Kryten.
I'm not here because I'm a sad and lonely person who's entertained by
women's underwear spin drying.
You missed it... I swear! It was black and really, really small.
I'm too mature for this. I'm just gonna sit here and read my comic.
Oh buddy, this is a great show tonight. I may even write a fan letter to
Sometimes I'm really ashamed to be with you. You're completely out of
Since when did you get so mature?
Mature? I've been mature for ages, me.
You're just pretending to be mature, because that's your plan to get
officer Bud-Babe to fall for you! Everybody knows that!
Go and stick an egg up your nose.
Sirs, sirs, sirs! What are you arguing about?
What's come over you, sir, why aren't you in bed?
The heating system's gone bonkers. Why, what's up?
Oh, it appears life on board ship is getting Miss Kochanski down, sir.
She's in the mid-ships now, throwing knives into the wall and shouting
abuse at the fridge for not having any low-fat yogurts.
It's not helped by the fact that her sleeping quarters are next to the
sewage processor. You know how noisy those pipes are, sir.
We'll re-lag them first thing in the mornin'.
Oh it's not just she can't sleep, sir, it's everything. Not being able to
have a bath, no cottage cheese, no --
from the washing machine. From collar to trouser tip, it now measures
The thermostat! I swear I set the correct programme!
ease into a standing position and stealthily creep away>
Oh! Who on earth is going to tell her!? I mean, who --
[-- 8 - Int. Starbug Mid-section ------------------------------------------]
[KOCHANSKI present. She is seated at the scanner table, hunched over a can
of sliced peaches. Her hair is in disarray, and their is something of a
disturbing calm about her; she chews her peaches very slowly without
If you could just make them go 'nureek' every time without any
'squirlookals', I'd be so grateful.
I know I've been spoilt! Brought up in the trendiest part of Glasgow -
Eleven years in Cyberschool; perfect computer-generated setting; with
perfect CG teachers and perfect CG friends. Now I can't even have a bath...
Come on. Come with me. I've got something to show you.
[-- 9 - Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters ------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KOCHANSKI present. Back in his own quarters, LISTER leads the
listless KOCHANSKI to a large, seemingly foam-filled unit that takes up
much of the floor space in front of his bunk]
You take my quarters tonight, and I'll have yours.
I've cleaned out an old retro housing and filled it with water.
And I, erm... found this on that derelict...
I was savin' it for your birthday.
There's some make-up in there, too.
[Enter KRYTEN, still carrying KOCHANSKI's wretched ex-suit]
I can't find her anywhere, sir, I've been searching high and low!
Oh! Ma'am. Didn't spot you, there.
Krissie's sleeping in my quarters tonight, Kryten.
Yeah, she's gonna have a nice, hot bath.
Well, all convention dictates probably, yeah.
[-- 10 - Int. Starbug Cargo deck ------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present. Conjured up by his own paranoia, KRYTEN
sees himself talking to his long-time friend LISTER, whose arm is linked
with KOCHANSKI. Both seem to be smiling just a little too much]
Kryten, me and Kris have been having a talk, and we think it'd be better
As you probably know, we're planning on settling down together, it started
that night she had a bath in my quarters, you remember?
We got you this leaving present...
But, you spell 'Kryten' with a 'K'...
Now, I've packed all your heads; they're in the bag.
You know what it's like, man, it's the fourth Law of the universe: you
settle down with a woman, and the first thing they do is systematically set
about getting rid of all your mates. The Cat's next.
I've been packing his bag for over three weeks!
See, we wanna be a proper couple, have lots of dinner parties, and I think
I've reached the age now where I really should be wearing clogs.
And you see we're all a bit embarrassed of you because you've got a funny
You're not human, are you, you're a robot.
[SHOT: KRYTEN's anguished face]
[-- 11 - Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters -----------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
I'm afraid Mr Lister shrunk your uniform, ma'am. You only have one left,
I'm too tired to be mad... I just want to have my bath, and get some
Right. I'll be going then. *Going*. After all these years, I'll be
Never been better, thank you, sir. A key-ring with a 'C' on it!
Unbelievable! Thank you with a capital 'R'!
I dunno - I'll find out later.
Thanks for this, I *really* appreciate it.
Tomorrow! Right. If you need anyone to, um, scrub your back or anything,
don't hesitate to call, I can be here in twenty seconds.
of sight than a muted explosion suddenly shakes the transport vessel and
Hang on a minute, I've got a torch somewhere...
The generator's down, sir. I was just adjusting the thermo-settings and
it overloaded. Give it a few seconds and the emergency backup will kick in.
[As if on cue, a whirring sound emanates from somewhere, and the lights come
I'll look into it immediately, sir!
in as many minutes the interior lights all die>
There goes the backup! Now everythin's dead.
When the backup goes down the doors always lock; prevent fire, re-inforce
So what's steering this crate? Is autopilot down too?
Everything's down. Oh, I wish I'd been more careful!
You mean this ship's careening out of control through space with
absolutely zero expertise at the helm?
We've got to re-fire the backup generator.
The only way to get to the backup is through the service ducts.
Two miles of ventways that wind their way through the ship like
intestines. There should be a hatchway in your shower, sir.
The reading said last night that there was gonna be a meteor storm coming
in directly ahead, but it won't hit us for at least twelve hours.
We should gather up some supplies. A little food, as much water as we
can carry, and maybe even that magnetic fishing game.
[-- x - Int. Starbug Ductway ----------------------------------------------]
[Starbug's internal ducts take the shape of cramped, dusty, cylindrical
corridors, flat-bottomed, about five feet wide by four high. Passage
through the ducts is possible only by crawling]
It's so damn hot I can barely breathe! It's like being stuck in a sauna
I don't feel so good... the walls are closing in!
I need to take a break - I need air!
He's claustrophobic, didn't you guys know?
I'm all right when I know I can get out, but now we're out in the middle
Okay, take a look around - see if we can unscrew one of the ceiling
hatches; drop back down into the ship somewhere.
M' throat's closin'... chokin'...
Here, drink some of this. You just need something to take your mind off
I wonder why Dave - my Dave - wasn't claustrophobic?
Oh thanks, Kris, that's really helpin'. Now is not a great time to tell
me how great your boyfriend is, okay?
He wasn't my boyfriend. Not really.
No, we were just good friends.
I just didn't want to look like some sad loser when we first met, so I
You weren't going out with him?
But, he was well-dressed, neat, sophisticated, sensitive; you're so damn
picky! Why wasn't he your type?
You see? Picky. Everythin's got to be absolutely perfect before you're
Are you sayin' I'm -- I'm gay in an alternative dimension?
That's why we only dated for a couple of weeks; it was sort of his final
attempt at trying to work things out.
Wait a minute... you don't think... now *hang on*, I'm completely
straight, okay? I couldn't possibly be gay. I can't grow a big moustache
for starters - it just grows in little clumps...
I really miss him. He was great. Sometimes we used to go to bed
together, and he'd just hold me. Made me feel everything was okay.
Mmm? Well, actually... No! What am I thinking of?? I am *not* gay!
There's no need to make such a big deal about it!
Back on Red Dwarf before the accident I had *loads* of gay friends.
Real friends, that you were really close to?
Yeah, little guy, bad toupee, used to work in catering.
That's what you used to call him, is it? "Hey Bent Bob! How's it going,
It was his nickname! It was affectionate. I mean, obviously we only used
it behind his back. Used to go to poker school; nice bloke.
And he was one of your really good friends, was he?
All right, I admit I haven't had many gay friends.
Yes you have - you just haven't known they were.
Well, I can only speak for my reality, but on our ship... Toddhunter.
He used to fool around, slept with women!
Hand on a minute; this is garbage, isn't it? You just made it all up to
take my mind off being stuck in 'ere!
You're not really a sad loser after all, are you?
God, I found that really attractive, as well.
Made me feel sort of superior and macho. Not that I don't *usually* feel
Here, have another drink - heteroboy.
So, your Dave... he isn't, is he?
We've found a grill about twenty meters down on the right, which drops
down into a supply room. We can't get through to unscrew the fastening
bolts but, ma'am, with smaller hands you might enjoy better luck.
glances around for a moment, obviously bored, while LISTER practices
breathing exercises to keep calm>
Boy, is it cramped! Whew-ew! I tell you, if I was dead you most
certainly could not swing me around in here!
Oh, sorry... not supposed to talk about that, right?
attention but at a loss for something to say>
So how do you get to be claustrophobic? Are you born that way, or is it
Yeah. Now can we just change the subject, please?
So how comes you didn't get it when we was in that tunnel when all the
I don't always get it, okay! Just sometimes! When I know that I can't
get out. Maybe it's something to do with blood sugar.
But how come you get it at all, though?
I was seventeen, working in the MegaMart, part time, as a trolley-
parker. After a couple of months I fell in love with cashier number four...
She was 22, come-to-behind-the-bacon-counter eyes... And there was just
something about the way she held her pricing gun that made me crash m'
We started seeing each other, in the stock room, at break time --
She gave you claustrophobia?? I didn't think you could get it like
She was married to this bald bloke who used to serve the fish; ten years
older than me. He was more interested in this amateur dramatics group he
used to run than her. One evening, we were both on the late shift; we snuck
into the stock room; started makin' love on a box of tinned asparagus.
After a couple of minutes - about half way through, I was seventeen - she
leapt up and said: "There's someone at the door!", so I jumped into this
wooden packing crate; it was 'im!
He asked what the *hell* she was doing lying on a box of reduced, tinned,
dented veg with no kit on. She said she was trying to get an all-over tan
He was havin' none of that. He sealed me up in the box and said he was
gonna drop me in the canal - he drove me out there! I was *screamin'* at
him, *pleadin'*: "let me out!"; promised him anything, said I'd never see
In the end, he relented, and I heard the box being opened. I stepped out,
bollock naked, right in the middle of the Bootle-players' amateur production
of "The Importance Of Being Earnest"...
Boy, that's enough to freak anyone out!
[-- x - Int. Starbug Ductway ----------------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present, down-corridor and well out of earshot of these
revelations, working at the access grill]
I had no idea Mr Lister was claustrophobic; why did he never mention it?
Well, it's probably not something he feels comfortable talking about.
He's told me about everything else about his life...
Mmm. Before you arrived, nights were long and dull. 'Cheese slice snap'
can only entertain for so long.
So... what did he tell you about me?
Oh, absolutely everything, ma'am. I don't think he missed a single
You mean, he told you - about the rusty gate?
Oh! The rusty gate; that was one of the first things he told us. We all
He told you that?? He told you that I make a sound like a rusty gate when
I'm making love?? He told you that??
No, he - told us his, grandma once had a, rusty gate, and he, um, helped
And that gave you a big laugh?
Well, like I say ma'am, nights were long and dull, a-ha ha. We were glad
S-so, he didn't... just shut up, okay. I never said that.
Allow me a second, ma'am. Just cross-filing that story under 'B' for
blackmail, and 'A', for anecdote; sub-category 'S' for 'so funny you'll
Look, wick-stand head; me and Dave, it's all in the past.
In which case, ma'am, why does he keep looking at you in the same way that
a starving man would look at a packed of roasted peanuts?
It's because, ma'am, he can't wait to get the wrapper off and taste the
That's his problem; I'm accounted for.
What about the way you look at him?
Like he's a pot of cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in!
How could you say that..? I have *never* looked at him like he's a pot of
cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in! Maybe, once or twice, plain
cottage cheese, but never, *ever*, with pineapple chunks in! Never. Never!
[-- x - Int. Starbug Ductway ----------------------------------------------]
Can't you hear it yet? Like a... roaring noise...
Like a... watery kind of roaring noise...
It's like water roaring down, say, a passageway. In a kind of roaring,
watery kind of way. I wonder what the hell it is!
Every four hours the ductways get backwashed!
You know what? I think I just solved the watery roaring noise problem.
That's where the water's coming from. Psshhh. You can be really dumb
put an admirable distance in the opposite direction between himself and
There is no escaping the inevitable, however, and within seconds, thousands
of gallons of re-cycled water roars and foams its way down the ductways.
The Dwarfers, caught in the path of this liquid avalanche, are swept out of
control through the bowels of Starbug, crashing at last against a large
grating designed to seal off large matter from the water storage tanks.
Pressed up against the grating, the Dwarfers can do nothing but let the
last of the water blast past them>
I hate this, I really hate this!
[-- x - Int. Starbug Ductway ----------------------------------------------]
[ALL present. The troupe of bedraggled and thoroughly smegged-off Dwarfers
tramp though a larger section of ducts]
Oh, not again! What noise? Is it a roaring, watery kind of noise?
No, not *that* noise. This is a different kind of noise.
Is it a kind of 'Cat being smacked on the head by a smegged-off Lister's
It's a sort of... swirly... windy... ah... water-drying, hurricaney kind
A swirly, windy, water-drying, hurricaney kind of noise??
The dryer! The vents get dried after a backwash!
shrieking wind. LISTER and CAT, both grasping and overhead grating, are
lifted off their feet, hanging precariously in what has now become a wind-
I am *not* *having* *a* *good* *day*!!
moment longer before he two is whipped away to bounce into CAT, KRYTEN and
KOCHANSKI, all of whom have been piled up against the wall of a junction in
[-- x - Int. Supply room --------------------------------------------------]
This should help, sir; take away the rising panic.
There was a first aid box in the supply store. Lemo-plathenamine-
According to my reckoning we should be halfway across B-deck by now.
Boy, is this place hot! Satan could come here on his winter break!
Hang on, how come it's getting hotter when the generators have packed in?
It should be gettin' colder, shouldn't it?
Ma'am - that meteor storm you said we were heading towards, which
Oh! Anything else in the vacinity?
To the west there is a sun, but that's about it.
I think we've been knocked off course! Probably due to the initial
impact of the generators going down - I think we're heading straight into
that sun! And it's all my fault!
Kryten, man, it's not your fault...
It isn't! You were just adjusting the thermosettings and it overloaded.
I did it on purpose... I typed in the override code, on the access panel
I don't know what to say, I didn't realise it would be so dangerous!!
Kryten, man, what made you do it??
What do you mean, 'you can't remember'?
I'd really, rather not say it out loud... might sound a bit silly...
I didn't want you to have a bath, ma'am. Well, I knew it would be one of
those 'no clothes' baths, and Mr Lister would scrub your back, and before we
know what's going on, he's wearing clogs and you're having GELFs around to
And what would happen to me?? I'd have been on my own again!
I - was - just - so - *scared*!
Come on - we've got no time to waste, let's get the hell out of here!
But we're not going to make it, sir!
[-- x - Int. Starbug ductway ----------------------------------------------]
[ALL present. The Dwarfers have salvaged a large metal plate upon which
Tell me again, how do you 'hang ten'?
makeshift surfboard careering down the metal duct>
[-- x - Int. Supply room --------------------------------------------------]
Well, that's it. We're fried. Unless someone's got some really
Not necessarily, ma'am. I excluded the doors from the shutdown override.
In case... anything happened...
You mean we spent the night crawling through one end of this ship to God
knows where and back for absolutely no reason??
It was all pointless? You put me through that *nightmare* when we could
just walk out that door at any moment??
Well, if you'll excuse us, we've got some serious reversing to do - but
we'll talk about this, over a cup of coffee, and a hot branding iron...
I think I understand: For you, the trip through the ducts was far from
pointless. It was an emotional journey where you gleaned invaluable
insights into your crewmates. This was your 'rites of passage', you feel
enriched, wiser, and somehow bonded by this in a way that... you never
herself with her trusty pipe-basing spanner>
[Sound and picture begin to fade]
[--------------------------- END OF "DUCT SOUP" ---------------------------]