RED DWARF - SERIES 8 EPISODE 5 -- "KRYTIE TV"

[Scenes of the women's wing of the Tank, and KRYTEN forced to spend his days

with them instead of what he feels should be a seperate mechanoids wing]

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[KRYTEN stands sulkily in the showers with the girls, holding an umbrella

and trying to read]

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LISTER

The post's arrived.

RIMMER

Brilliant; a bit of excitement at last.

LISTER

Good, eh? It's a beaut. One of the structured collepsed on m' bed. I think

it was those beans.

Oh, the mail.

Haven't had a chance to look. Anything from my mates?

RIMMER

Don't think so - there's nothing here in orange crayon with half the

letters backwards.

LISTER

Anything for you?

RIMMER

Just the usual. A couple of death threats... and I'm in the Reader's

Digest Lucky Dip. Apparently I'm 'one of the special few selected for their

Lucky Dip' -

LISTER

That'll be you and the other twelve zillion people then, will it?

RIMMER

- I've won either a holiday in Mauritious[sp], a soft-top sports car, or a

fabulous matching set of egg-cups.

"Scrape with a coin to discover which."

I've won the holiday!

LISTER

What?

RIMMER

Three million years into Deep Space, where I can't claim it, and I go

and win a smegging holiday in Mauritious!

Oh, they're taking the smeg...

LISTER

What now?

RIMMER

I've won the lottery as well.

"To collect your cheque simply bring your winning ticket to Lottery House,

24 Argyle Street." Four million!

No luck, that's my problem, No luck at all.

LISTER

It's just a wind up from the guards, to sap our morale.

RIMMER

Here's one for you.

LISTER

Who from?

RIMMER

Petersen.

My God, that is tragic.

LISTER

What's happenned to him, has he died?

RIMMER

Died? You think he'd write and tell you?

LISTER

No, you're right, you're right, you're right. I'm not thinking

straight. He'd be too busy with his funeral and everything, wouldn't he.

What's happenned to him?

RIMMER

Something catastophic, hideous.

He's found your guitar in Starbug's wreckage and he's sending it here.

LISTER

Brilliant!

Are you okay?

RIMMER

Of course I'm not okay! I hate your guitar! If I wanted to share a cell

with an irritating lump of wood I'd have moved in with an Australian soap

star.

LISTER

I didn't realise you thought I was that bad..?

RIMMER

Didn't you get a clue that time I tried to insert it in you?

LISTER

You would have stood a better chance if you'd used the neck-end...

Anyway, you were revising; you always get a bit uptight when you're

revising.

Hey come on, come on, what about the Om Song? That was a classic!

/"Ommmmm - Ommmmm"/

RIMMER

People who heard that formed self-help groups.

LISTER

Don't give me that, they played my demo on hospital radio.

RIMMER

Yes, and three patients came out of comas, packed their bags and went home.

[A guard brings in the guitar]

LISTER

Hey-hey! The axe-man is *back*! You beaut!

Hang on! There's no strings! They've confiscated the strings!

RIMMER

I feel like a man who leaps out of a plane with no parachute and lands in

the hot-tub at the Playboy mansion.

LISTER

Why would they take my strings..? It doesn't make sense...

RIMMER

Prison regs. You're not allowed anything you can hang yourself with.

LISTER

I wouldn't want to hang myself if I had my guitar strings.

RIMMER

I think they were thinking of me.

Maybe my luck's changing... at last, a break.

GUARD

Oh, by the way; I forgot: for you.

LISTER

"Because of the nature of your crime", blah - blah - blah - blah - blah,

whr - wh - wh - wh - wh, "we are willing to review your case"! "For this

process to be successful you would need a record of good behaviour, and

accept the consequence that a successful appeal would mean similar amnesty

for prisoner colleagues in your situation."

RIMMER

Yess!

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

KOCHANSKI

Well, thanks to Kill Crazy, that was the least enjoyable suicide mission

I've ever been on.

KILL CRAZY

I was standing there, right, and right in fron of me was this weird sort

of mutant thing, with, like, two heads and all these tenticles. Yeah; it

took one look at me and then ran off! Why d'you think it done that?

KRYTEN

You don't know what it's like, being classified as a woman, sir. The

humiliation.

LISTER

I know, I know.

KRYTEN

I mean, why should I - a Series 4000 mechanoid - have to endure the turgid

monotony of showering with the girls? Three times a week! Tell me that!

LISTER

It's not fair, I know! It's just that -

You shower with the girls?

KRYTEN

Oh! It's so hideously dull I can't describe it, as they stand around

soaping themselves. Their bodies all wet and foamy.

Can you imagine it?

Oh my goodness, we've been frozen in time again!

Hello?

Extraordinary! It must be a warp in the time-space continuum! How curious

it isn't affecting me...

RIMMER

We're not frozen in time, Krytie - we were just thinking about what you

were saying...

HOLLY

It's time like this that make me thankful I'm just a head.

KILL CRAZY

Oi, droid-boy, oi; next time you're in the showers, why don't you -

y'know - smuggle in a camera and film 'em, eh? Yeah, that'd be brilliant!

Oi, I haven't seeen a naked woman since... well, ever.

Yeah, I'd pay you... wha'd'ya say?

RIMMER

No, I forbid it!

LISTER

Yeah, me -

What?

RIMMER

It's voyeuristic, exploitative, and immature.

HOLLY

All right, who are you? And what have you done with *our* Rimmer?

RIMMER

Gentlemen, allow me to clairify my position. Morally speaking, using a

hidden camera in the women's showers, taking shots of them sudding

themselves with mounds of foam, without their permission, morally speaking -

I'm speaking morally, here - I'm all in favour! However, Listy has been

invited to appeal and a scam like this could ruin it.

CAT

Appeal?

LISTER

Yeah, I'm appealing.

HOLLY

That's a minority view.

RIMMER

Look, if he's successful, we can all be successful. We've just got to be

model prisoners.

KILL CRAZY

Screw his appeal! I wanna see skin!

CAT

Yeah! Wha'd'ya say, bird-tray head?

KRYTEN

Are you asking me to betray the people I live with? To ignore their

humanity and reduce them to mindless sex objects, merely there for your

moronic titilation?

CAT

Yes, please!

KRYTEN

If you'll excuse me, I forgot who I was for a moment.

KILL CRAZY

Wait, what you doing?

KRYTEN

I'm a woman, and proud of it. If you'll excuse me, I'll with my fellow

sisters, doing it for ourselves!

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GOVENOR ACKERMAN

I'm going to make this quick, and easy.

Last night, on D-wing, I was beaten up, and mugged.

You have one chance. I'm going to turn the lights off for precisely ten

seconds, during which I want whover took it ... to return my glass eye.

[He places a bucket on the ground in front of the Canaries]

GOVENOR ACKERMAN

Kill the lights.

[The chamber goes dark]

GOVENOR ACKERMAN

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six -

[The sound of an object dropped into the bucket is heard, and the lights

snap on. No one appears to have moved]

GOVENOR ACKERMAN

I'm glad to see good sense prevailed.

[The GOVENOR reaches into the bucket and takes out a pair of false teeth]

GOVENOR ACKERMAN

I have a date with Miss Patricia Carling from Supplies on Saturday night.

She thinks my eyes are my best feature. If I go like this, I'M ONLY HALF

LOVELY!

If it's not returned within thirty seconds; all Canary priviliges

suspended. One month.

RIMMER

I know who stole your left peeper, sir.

It was him, sir. I saw him playing marbles with it this morning, sir.

[The man RIMMER indicated takes a swing at him, which RIMMER ducks. The man

is siezed by guards and dragged away]

GOVENOR ACKERMAN

Thank you, Rimmer.

KOCHANSKI

Have you gone mad? You don't rat on other inmates, its an unwritten law.

RIMMER

Look if it helps the appeal, what else matters? 'Model prisoners'?

[RIMMER has just enough time to finish his sentence before being pounced on

by the other prisoners. The sounds of thumps and kicks issue, and the

picture, much like RIMMER's consciousness, fades away]

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KRYTEN

Would the sky really fall in if people just tidied up a little?

[As KRYTEN drops the rubbish into a disposal chute and turns away, and arm

reaches out of a maintenance hatch and bounces a spanner off his his head

with a clang that resounds convincingly. KRYTEN drops to the gound and is

dragged away by persons unknown]

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[A trailer runs for an old, black-and-white sci-fi flick]

LISTER

Looks like another pearl, eh?

CAT

Why do they always show us these lousy B-movies?

RIMMER

To sap our morale. Next week its the Gearge Formbey season.

"Get your hanging rope now, while there's still some left - heh-hey!"

[Suddenly the film cuts off and is replaced by a rough, amateur looking shot

of KRYTEN]

KRYTEN

Good evening. Tonight's scheduled feature has been cancelled, and replaced

with a special, live, pay-per-view event brought to you courtesy of "Krytie

TV"! Transmitting live via my optical receptors, we bring you live, and

lithe, Womens Shower Night!

CAT

Are they really gonna show this? No way! This is a joke, right? This isn't-

Oh, momma...

LISTER

You know what this means, don't you?

CAT

There is a God?

LISTER

They got to him, they reprogrammed Kryten.

[Overhearing, KILL CRAZY turns to look at LISTER and grins broadly]

RIMMER

If we get caught watching this your appeal's dead in the water.

LISTER

Forget the appeal.

CAT

I already have!

LISTER

What about Kris? She's never gonna believe I wasn't involved in this!

We've gotta stop it.

RIMMER

You're right, I want no part of this.

LISTER

Me neither.

RIMMER

We've gotta go.

LISTER

Right now.

RIMMER

Not a minute to lose.

LISTER

I'm dust.

RIMMER

Me too.

After two. One, two, go!

KRYTEN

And now, I'm gonna stare at a cracked floor tile.

KILL CRAZY

What's he doing that for!?

KRYTEN

Remember, Shower Night is a pay-per-view event. Start filling those

buckets!

RIMMER

I can't believe this, he's running it like a business! There's even a

bloke over there selling ice-creams.

LISTER

Never mind him. Now. We've gotta go, right now.

RIMMER

I'm going, I'm going.

KRYTEN

But now, lets get up-close and personal with one of the shower-ees, Miss

Kristine Kochanski...

RIMMER

Fancy a choc-ice?

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

KRYTEN

Okay; splendid. Later.

GUARD

Mister Kryten; visitor, sir.

LISTER

Kryten. Look, I know Kill-Crazy's reprogrammed you; turned you into a

ruthless entrepreneur, but I think I know how to change you back.

KRYTEN

Well, keep it to yourself, sir. I'll make it worth your while...

LISTER

Can't you see what it's done to you?

KRYTEN

It's made me rich, feared and respected. I'm loving every minute of it!

I've just bought the rights to the five-a-side soccer tournament today;

tomorrow, I'm hoping to get the boxing.

Ahhhh, Miss Kochanski! Good to have you back, I have a little gift for

you...

KOCHANSKI

Ooh, another one?

KRYTEN

You know you were worried about picking up verrucas in the shower room?

Well, I have the perfect solution; a waterproof pogo stick.

LISTER

This has got to stop.

KRYTEN

But the pogo stick could put the ratings through the roof, sir! Think of

the money! Think of the show!

LISTER

I'm crazy about her! I'm not gonna let you do this.

KOCHANSKI

Do what?

LISTER

How do you think Kryten got all this?

[He hands her a flyer for KRYTEN's ratings-winner]

KOCHANSKI

"Shower Night Live". Oh God, is he paying some of the girls to do this?

[KOCHANSKI grins as she scans the flyer]

LISTER

Who's that with the sponge?

[The grin disappears to be replaces with a look, first of horror, then

anger]

KOCHANSKI

That's me!

LISTER

It replaced the Wednesday night movie. I saw the whole thing; all three

terrible hours of it. It was awful.

KRYTEN

Is that the time? I've got a merchandising meeting in two minutes. Heh,

excuse me!

KOCHANSKI

You are dead, nickel-hydrate breath!

And you!

LISTER

What have I done?

KOCHANSKI

You were there for three hours of it!

LISTER

Yeah, but I didn't enjoy it! I was outraged. Why do you think I only had

one choc-ice?

KOCHANSKI

How could you go along with this?

LISTER

I'm only human. You were completely naked, starkers, nude, in the buff,

totally kit-less, no clothes on!

KOCHANSKI

You've seen me with no clothes on when we went out!

LISTER

Yeah, but, I wanted to see if anything had changed.

KOCHANSKI

Why didn't you just ask, instead of filming me in secret?

LISTER

Because you'll have said 'no'.

KOCHANSKI

Not necessarily. If I'd known it meant that much to you, that you needed

to see me naked so badly, I wouldn't necessarily have said 'no'.

LISTER

You wouldn't?

KOCHANSKI

No. Well, we're friends aren't we?

LISTER

It never occured to me that I could just ask. Oh, you're such a great

friend. I love being your friend.

Kris..?

KOCHANSKI

No! Not now, and now, not ever!

LISTER

But you just said -

KOCHANSKI

We're not friends any more...

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

RIMMER

Appeal applications, Listy. Character testimonials.

What's this?

LISTER

Kris found out about the shower thing; she went ballistic. It's just

a little present to say 'sorry'.

RIMMER

A bag of flour?

LISTER

No, two bags.

I'm in the Tank, in the middle of Deep Space. I can't just get on the

blower to Interflora, you know!

Flour - Flours!

It's the closest I could get.

RIMMER

You romantic fool.

LISTER

You know how hard it is getting this stuff? I had to nick this from the

bakery. She'll appreciate that.

RIMMER

I can just see her reading the card:

"Dear Kris, I'm really sorry for ogling you and the girls in the shower

yesterday for three gob-smacking hours of steamy fun. To make up for it, and

to indicate how truly sorry I am, here's two bags of self-raising. Something

I didn't need any help with yesterday."

LISTER

It's easy for you, you're not crazy about her. It's re- it's really

dibilitating, being nuts about someone. You lose twenty I.Q. points every

time you talk to them.

RIMMER

You must be nuts about a fair few people, then, are you?

KRYTEN

The girls found out about Shower Night. They attacked me, cleaned out my

system and kicked me out. I've been reclassified as a man...

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

KRYTEN

I feel terrible, sir, for endangering your appeal.

LISTER

It's not your fault, Kryten, they got to you.

KRYTEN

I presume you've heard the news about Miss Kochanski.

LISTER

What news?

KRYTEN

You haven't heard?

LISTER

Heard what?

KRYTEN

The news.

LISTER

What news?

KRYTEN

You haven't heard the news?

LISTER

Heard what news??

KRYTEN

No one's told you?

LISTER

Told me what?

KRYTEN

About Miss Kochanski?

LISTER

What about Miss Kochanski?

KRYTEN

About Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim.

LISTER

What about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim??

KRYTEN

I can't believe you don't know!

LISTER

Know what??

KRYTEN

No one told you??

LISTER

Told me what!?

KRYTEN

You mean to say that you're standing there blissfully unaware of the news

about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim?

LISTER

What news about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim!?

KRYTEN

I don't believe it.

LISTER

Believe what!?

KRYTEN

Psh, tsk - I'm so traumatised no one's had the guts to tell you the

horrible, terrible, terrible, appallingly hideous, awful news!

I'm not sure I can even speak now.

LISTER

Kryten, there's a two hundred foot drop down there; now tell me the news.

KRYTEN

Well, she's started going out with Tim again. He's taking her to the

Officer's Club tonight. Her probation permits it, providing she's back by

ten.

LISTER

Ohhh. This is all down to that shower thing, isn't it?

KRYTEN

You know what Tim's like, sir. Impossibly handsome, oozes charm, a great

lover. And you're just... you.

It's so unfair!

You must feel awful.

LISTER

Well I do now! God!

KRYTEN

You're taking this very well, sir. I - I'm really impressed.

LISTER

No I'm not, man, I'm falling apart.

KRYTEN

I know that, but I was just trying to cheer you up!

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

LISTER

What can I do?

HOLLY

You've gotta deal with your grief, man. Breakup is very much like a

bereavement: its usually followed by a cremation and some sandwiches.

LISTER

You haven't got a clue what you're on about, have you?

HOLLY

Mark my words: time is a great healer. Unless you've got a rash, in which

case you're better off with ointment.

LISTER

Look, they haven't seen each other for ages; they're only going out for a

meal. What's the worst thing that could happen?

RIMMER

How's this, Listy: a little wine, a little laughter, then its back to his

place for coffee and a game of chess. Before you know it, she's sandwiched

between two bishops and her queen's exposed to an attack from the rear.

KRYTEN

It's a tragedy.

LISTER

What are you so bothered about? I thought you hated the idea of me and her

getting it together?

KRYTEN

That was the old me, sir. I've grown and matured since then. No, the new

me wants you to have children so I can iron those itty-bitty little socks!

And you're not getting any younger, sir, and neither are your sperms. I'm

getting worried about those guys. Any older older and they'll need a

Stanner stairlift to get up the fallopian tubes!

LISTER

So what do you propose?

KRYTEN

We nail that horny stag and get you and the divine Miss K together. It's

my way of saying 'sorry'.

RIMMER

But nothing that's going to endanger the appeal...

KRYTEN

First, we sabotage the date.

LISTER

What, 'we'? You mean you're gonna help me?

Step on board the 'love express', sir!

Now, we get to his quarters through the air vents; I've paid off the

guards. Then you make him look like the nerdiest slob in the entire

universe: this is what you leave in his quarters -

- a half-eaten onion sandwich. That's always a passion-killer.

LISTER

Is it? I like those.

KRYTEN

Then there's this: "Morris Dancer Monthly". What a total dweebo,

nerdmeister he'll look with those!

RIMMER

They're mine!

KRYTEN

And then there's these: tragically unfashionable underpants.

RIMMER

*They're* mine!

KRYTEN

And finally: Christian rock music. It that doesn't scare her off, nothing

will.

RIMMER

Have you been going through my things?

KRYTEN

And not forgetting...

LISTER

A pair of scissors?

KRYTEN

This is the piece de resistence...

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[scatters mags on table and sofa]

[bites sandwich then throws it under cushion]

[puts poster of a chimp sitting on a toilet on wall]

LISTER

"Frank Acissi and the Apostles" - "Hyms in Rock" -

[Kum Bayah from CD player]

[posing male statue with chain]

LISTER

Some digestive biscuit...

[lobster over lamp]

[scissors, unzips, cuts pubic hair, sprinkles on bed and on soap]

[underpants laid on bed]

[VD clinic appointment card on pillow]

LISTER

The love assassin...

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

KRYTEN

What Mister Lister doesn't know, of course, is he's been set up by Krytie

TV!

Shh! Here he comes now!

KRYTEN

Mister Lister!

LISTER

Kryten, is that you?

KRYTEN

You trashed that room because you believed Miss Kochanski was dating Tim,

didn't you?

LISTER

What, you mean she isn't?

KRYTEN

Look who's quarters you really trashed...

[KRYTEN taps a rapid-fire code into the pad on the wall and the door slides

shut. On it is written "MR. ACKERMAN"]

LISTER

You said the girls had restored you back to normal!

KRYTEN

Whoops! You've been Krytered!

LISTER

I've wrecked Ackerman's quarters!!

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

RIMMER

THE APPEAL!

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

KRYTEN

But the surprises haven't finished yet, here on Krytie TV, because Mister

Ackerman and his red hot date are due back any second. It's a race against

time! Sir, start cleaning that room!

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

RIMMER

Sorry to keep droning on about this, but what about - THE APPEAL!

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

LISTER

Smeg!

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

RIMMER

Oh smeg..!

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

[RIMMER and LISTER swarm through ACKERMAN's quarters, undoing the mess that

LISTER created]

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

KRYTEN

Thanks for watching, folks; see you next time!

RIMMER

There he is!

LISTER

Kryten, come here a minute...

KRYTEN

I was just trying to boost the ratings, sir!

LISTER

Get him, and bring him back to the Tank!

KRYTEN

It was nothing personal!

[-- xx - Int./Ext. Scene desc. --------------------------------------x:xx--]

LISTER

The appeal.

Oooohhhhh... YES!

RIMMER

"Dear Mister Lister, your appeal has been successful"!

"From this day forth all inmates with no record of violence or depression

will be allowed... to have strings on their guitars"...

This appeal was all about guitar strings?

LISTER

You didn't think it was about getting out of here, did you?

RIMMER

You mean to say I've been busting my balls so you can have strings on your

lousy, stinking guitar??

LISTER

You've been a brick, man. And as a personal 'thank you', I thought I'd

write you a song...

[--------------------------- END OF "KRYTIE TV" --------------------xx:xx--]