RED DWARF - SERIES 8 EPISODE 8 -- "ONLY THE GOOD"

[A derelict ship, floating in space. A pod tumbles away from the ship and

slices by the camera]

[-- 2 - CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------0:04--]

[A plain starfield. Narrative text draws across the screen:]

"Lone escape pod from SS Hermes -

Survivors one.

Ship destroyed by Chameleonic Microbe."

[A pause, then the words 'by Chameleonic Microbe.' are deleted, and replaced

with:]

"by Chamelionic Mycrobe."

[A second pause, then 'by Chamelionic Mycrobe.' is deleted, and replaced

with the much simpler:]

"by shape changing weird space thing.

Non essential electrics all down,

including spell checker.

Massage ends."

[-- 3 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:26--]

[The triangular escape pod tumbles through space, its fuel spent. It

approaches Red Dwarf and falls into the ship's gravity well]

[-- 4 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------0:36--]

[A cargo bay within Red Dwarf. The pod has been brought in and now sits

upright in the bay. Narrative text appears:]

"6 hours later"

[One side of the pod begins to shimmer, as some kind of black, flickery

substance begins to spread out from the entry hatch and move around the

large, circular airlock cavity. As the black substance passes, the metalwork

of the pod vanishes, leaving behind a jagged tear through the airlock]

[-- 5 - Int. Captain's Recovery room --------------------------------0:46--]

[We see a close up on a TV screen, display on which is an old black and

white sci-fi horror movie. A woman is being carried by a creature dressed

in a dark suit and helmet; she kicks her legs and screams melodramatically]

[CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

[HOLLISTER is lying in bed, looking ill. There is a knock on the door, and

the CAPTAIN struggles to croak around an obviously sore throat]

HOLLISTER

...Come in...

[More knocks issue, and HOLLISTER reacts with exasperation]

HOLLISTER

...Come in...

[HOLLISTER strains hard, but the caller obviously still does not hear, and

knocks again]

HOLLISTER

...Come in!...

[There is a pause, then the door swishes open]

[Enter RIMMER]

RIMMER

Can I come in, sir?

I did knock, sir, perhaps you didn't hear me?

Your hot lemon, sir.

[HOLLISTER takes the drink, then pats at his face]

HOLLISTER

God-damn yellow fever. I've still got that jowly, flabby, puffiness around

my cheeks.

RIMMER

Wasn't that there before your illness, sir?

Yes, I'm sure it was, because -

[HOLLISTER glances at RIMMER sharply]

RIMMER

Let me tuck you in, sir.

HOLLISTER

How's life on probation? Fouled it up yet?

RIMMER

Enjoying it, sir.

Some directives for you to sign, sir:

[RIMMER hands over a clipboard, and the CAPTAIN leafs through it]

HOLLISTER

What's this 'Space Core Free Pardon' exonerating you of all crimes doing

in here?

[RIMMER sucks air through his mouth, an expression of incredulity on his

face]

RIMMER

Those people in Admin really ned to pay more mind, sir, honestly! Tsk! You

can't rely on anyone these days, can you!

[HOLLISTER stares coldly at RIMMER, who breaks under the pressure and sinks

to his knees by the CAPTAIN's bed]

RIMMER

I'm so sorry, sir, it's just, if I've got a record, I'll never become an

officer and command my own ship; and that's what I long for more than

anything, sir, to be like you... Maybe thinner, and in better condition.

And obviously without your clogged arteries, but that aside, sir, you're the

person I admire the most.

HOLLISTER

Another ambition achieved...

RIMMER

You think I could become an officer, one day, sir?

HOLLISTER

Look, it gives me no pleasure telling you this, Rimmer, but I'm sorry,

you're just not officer material.

RIMMER

'Not officer material', sir??

HOLLISTER

If you wanna take my advice you'll redirect your energies and find

something that you have a genuine chance of succeeding at.

RIMMER

Like what, sir?

[HOLLISTER feigns loss of speech]

RIMMER

So you're saying I'm never going to become a Captain, sir? Never?

[HOLLISTER croaks words]

[There is another knock at the door, and a woman dressed in a flowing

black dress sweeps in. Ignoring RIMMER, she stares down at the CAPTAIN]

WOMAN

They said it was okay to drop by...

HOLLISTER

Talia?? We-ll, hi!

[RIMMER jumps to his feet and smarms at the woman]

RIMMER

Hi!

[The woman smiles in return, but immediately returns her gaze to the

CAPTAIN]

HOLLISTER

Ah, Rimmer was just leaving...

TALIA

I can't believe we've run into one another again after all this time!

HOLLISTER

Well, the nanobots must have resurrected you, too! You look... wonderful.

TALIA

You made Captain; you've done so well. Your own ship... wow! I've got

goosebumps.

RIMMER

The photograph of your *wife*, sir? Is it okay where it is or should I

turn it so it's facing the wall?

HOLLISTER

Dismissed, Rimmer.

RIMMER

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Nothing I can get *you*, ma'am? Tea? Coffee?

[RIMMER turns and heads out, still muttering]

RIMMER

Packet of three..?

[Exit RIMMER]

[TALIA's eyes widen as she hears RIMMER's parting words, and the CAPTAIN

glares after him, then smiles and apologises to his guest]

[-- 6 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room --------------------Raz--3:34--]

[RIMMER present]

[RIMMER strides away from the CAPTAIN's room]

RIMMER

Me? Not make it? What does he know? The big, stupid, yellow idiot.

[RIMMER pauses by a food dispenser, and begins fishing in his pocket]

RIMMER

He doesn't see my good side, my guile, my weasel cunning. When the going

gets tough, my ability to find good hiding places.

[RIMMER takes out a token from his pocket and carefully extends a length of

thread that is attached to it. He inserts the token into the dispenser's

credit slot]

RIMMER

He thinks I'm an imbecile, he really does...

[RIMMER taps in a few numbers on a control panel, and a chocolate bar drops

into the vending compartment. RIMMER takes it]

RIMMER

Ha ha. Me, an imbecile!

[In one smooth motion, RIMMER carefully tugs on the string and pulls his

coin back out of the dispenser. Immediately lights begin to flash all over

the machine]

DISPENSER

Alert, alert! A choccy-nut bar - a choccy-nut bar - has been removed

without payment.

[RIMMER slaps his hand across the dispenser's speaker-unit]

DISPENSER

A choccy-nut bar has been removed without payment. Alert, alert!

RIMMER

Shut up!

DISPENSER

No, shan't. Alert, alert!

RIMMER

If you don't shut up, I'll pour beef soup into your speaker and you'll

drown.

DISPENSER

Take your hand off m' speaker then.

RIMMER

Promise to shut up?

DISPENSER

Promise.

[RIMMER uncovers the speaker]

DISPENSER

Ha ha ha haa! I had m' circuits crossed! Alert, alert! Chocolate abduction

on floor three-four-one. Alert -

[Angrily, RIMMER crumples up the CAPTAIN's directives and stuffs the papers

into the dispenser's speaker grille. He begins peeling off the sticky-

backed instruction labels that decorate the machine over the dispenser's

various grills and vents in an attempt to silence the machine and re-sticks

them over the speaker grill in an attempt to silence the machine]

DISPENSER

Ooh, I say, you w'll - you will not get away with this, I may not be able

to see you but I know your taste in confectionary! And I also - I also

know - I also know, ha haa, erm, no, in fact that *is* all I know, just your

taste in confectionary, but no matter, because one day I'll hear

your voice again and I'll expose you for the chocolate thieving dog you are!

[RIMMER gives up on trying to suffocate the machine, and rubs his hands on

his trousers nervously]

RIMMER

I'm really scared! I'm being threatened by a dispensing machine!

[Enter HOLLISTER]

[HOLLISTER approaches RIMMER from behind, carrying the tray RIMMER brought

with him to the recovery room. Still railing at the dispenser, RIMMER does

not see him approach]

RIMMER

What are you gonna do, leave a horse's head made out of marzipan in my

bed?

"Oh, mummy, help, help, help! I'm really scared!"

HOLLISTER

Rimmer..?

[RIMMER whirls around and flattens himself against the wall]

HOLLISTER

You forgot your tray...

RIMMER

Thank you, sir.

[HOLLISTER turns to walk away]

DISPENSER

He stole some chocolate! He stole s -

[RIMMER claps his hand across the speaker once more as HOLLISTER turns back

to regard him. The CAPTAIN opens his mouth and points at RIMMER, then

thinks better of it and heads back to his room]

[Exit HOLLISTER]

DISPENSER

You are my nemesis... one day, our paths will cross again, and I - I will

*destroy* you...

RIMMER

And on that day, I will be the Captain of this ship.

[Exit RIMMER]

[-- 7 - Int. Corridors circling Floor 13's central chamber ----------5:30--]

[CAT, KRYTEN, LISTER present]

[The trio are walking through corridors on Floor 13]

CAT

It's okay for Mister cushy-working-for-the-Captain-now, but what about

me? All that damned rock!

My back's killing me, bud! Look at my spine, it's so curved, if you threw

it away it'd come back!

Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock! I ain't used to work! But what job do

they give me?

KRYTEN

Er, something to do with rocks, sir?

CAT

Exactly. You know what they've got me doing? I've got to put all the rock

albums on the P.A. system. I've got to change those suckers once every

forty-five minutes! I'm a physical wreck!

Probation's killing me, buds..!

[Exit CAT]

[Thankful for the silence, LISTER notices the piece of card that KRYTEN

carries]

LISTER

What's that?

KRYTEN

Oh, it's just a present to help cheer up Miss Kochanski.

[KRYTEN holds it up for LISTER to see]

LISTER

What, a calendar?

KRYTEN

Mmm. A couple of days ago she was looking at the old calendar and she

said it was the wrong time of the month, so I got her a new one.

I'm going to tell her, the calendar people made a mistake, but let's just

leave this whole 'wrong month' thing behind us; they were stupid, it was

careless, but being grumpy and tearful about it is getting it way out of

proportion.

LISTER

A little word in your audio receiver:

[KRYTEN leans closer, and LISTER whispers into his ear for a few moments.

They separate]

KRYTEN

And this happens to all women? They become cranky and weird, and yet you

never see this in films or on TV... and men are supposed to be in control of

the media..! This is the biggest cover-up since Watergate!

LISTER

Relax, its not a big deal. I'll tell you what to do and how to behave;

everything. Just trust me.

[-- 8 - Int. Cell ---------------------------------------------------7:05--]

[KRYTEN present]

[Enter KOCHANSKI]

[KOCHANSKI spots KRYTEN, then glances up at something above him. She does a

double-take and her eyes widen. KRYTEN stands under a large banner that

proclaims: "HAVE A FANTASTIC PERIOD"]

KRYTEN

Ta-daaaa!

Thank goodness for Mister Lister! I nearly made such a fool of myself.

[KRYTEN holds up a single tampon, dangling on its string and adorned with

green ribbons]

KRYTEN

A little present ma'am.

[KOCHANKSI narrows her eyes and nods as if playing along]

KRYTEN

All gift-wrapped.

I hope I chose the right size...

KOCHANSKI

Dave told you to do this, didn't he.

KRYTEN

Ohhh, isn't he wonderful?

KOCHANSKI

Oh yeah. Sometimes he's so cute I could just eat him.

KRYTEN

He explained everything to me so I wouldn't embarrass myself.

[KRYTEN grins and gestures with the tampon]

KOCHANSKI

Come on then, open it! I want you to try it on. Maybe you could do a

little twirl in it?

[KOCHANSKI scowls and glares at KRYTEN]

KOCHANSKI

Kryten, how can I put this..?

KRYTEN

Is there something wrong, ma'am?

[KRYTEN pauses for a moment, considering, then quickly lowers his arm]

KRYTEN

He set me up, didn't he. This is absolutely the wrong thing to do when a

woman is having a...

[KRYTEN points upwards towards the last word of the banner]

KRYTEN

Is the banner wrong, too?

[KOCHANSKI nods, quietly]

KOCHANSKI

Oh yeah.

KRYTEN

He was lying!

I've been duped by a master craftsman. Well, two can play at this game!

KOCHANSKI

Oh yeah? What do you have in mind?

KRYTEN

Well, are you sure you have time for this, ma'am? I realise the next few

days are very special for you. Don't you want to be playing tennis alot in

tight, white jeans? Wouldn't want to stop you from doing that. And not

forgetting all that blue stuff you've got to pour over things.

KOCHANSKI

Just tell me your plan for getting Dave back!

KRYTEN

Right, here's my idea...

[KRYTEN lowers his voice and goes through the details quickly, gesturing

exaggeratedly to illustrate the key points]

[-- 9 - Int. Cell ----------------------------------------------Raz--9:04--]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

[LISTER and RIMMER are sat at their table, playing draughts. A quiet whistle

is heard, and LISTER looks at his watch]

LISTER

That's Holl, he must want something.

[LISTER prods the watch and transfers HOLLY to the wall monitor]

HOLLY [on viewscreen]

Thought you might like to hear some hot off the press, official insider

information.

There's gonna be a cell inspection in about ten minutes. Keep it under

your hat.

[HOLLY winks conspiratorially, and LISTER nods]

[Enter GUARD]

GUARD

Cell inspection in ten minutes.

[Exit GUARD]

[LISTER glances back to HOLLY]

[-- 10 - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------9:29--]

[HOLLY present]

[HOLLY nods and smiles, pleased with himself]

HOLLY

Told you.

[-- 11 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------9:33--]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

LISTER

Thanks, Holl, it was most helpful.

[-- 12 - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------9:37--]

[HOLLY present]

HOLLY

When it comes to being ahead of the game, I'm your man.

[-- 13 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------9:42--]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

RIMMER

If you don't mind me asking, where did you get that priceless nugget of

information *way* before it got into the public domain?

[-- 14 - Computer viewscreen ----------------------------------------9:48--]

[HOLLY present]

HOLLY

I've hacked into the ship's computer system; got into the prison log. I've

also managed to get a goosey at the supplies inventory. Discovered stuff in

there that'll make your hair stand on end...

[-- 15 - Int. Cell --------------------------------------------------9:59--]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

LISTER

What stuff?

[-- 16 - Computer viewscreen ---------------------------------------10:01--]

[HOLLY present]

HOLLY

'Brylcreme', it's called. Y' put it on your head, and it makes your hair

stand on end. Apparently we've only got two jars left, so if you need some,

let me know.

As soon as I've got anything else that'll be useful I'll be back.

[-- 17 - Int. Cell -------------------------------------------------10:20--]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

RIMMER

See you in about twenty-five years, then.

[HOLLY nods and pulls a sarcastic face, and his image dissolves]

[Exit HOLLY]

[LISTER scratches at his forehead intently]]

LISTER

This little scar's itchy today. Must be all the dust.

RIMMER

You've got a scar? When did you get that?

LISTER

Those complimentary pens that the hospital guys were giving out - y'know,

er, "most accidents happen in the home, so be careful" ones? I accidentally

stabbed m'self in the head with one.

RIMMER

Where were you?

LISTER

I wasn't at home, so I didn't feel stupid or anything.

RIMMER

That's not a scar, that's a nick. *That* is a scar.

[RIMMER points at the small white mark under his jawline]

LISTER

Where did you get that?

RIMMER

From a fight, years ago. Duel.

LISTER

A duel? You? Get out of town!

RIMMER

Not *a* duel; "Duel", the old Steven Spielburg movie. Friend of mine

attacked me with a video case. Some stupid argument about who had the

coolest bicycle clips.

I got him back, though. I peed in his mum's steam iron; he had yellow

t-shirts for a week.

[A buzzing noise issues from a small device on the wall of their cell]

RIMMER

Why's that going off?

[RIMMER crosses to the device and tears off the piece of paper that the

machine has just printed]

RIMMER

It's from Kryten: "Look under the draughts board".

LISTER

Another note...

"Dear Mister Lister, thanks for your wonderful advice regarding Miss

Kochanski. In return, I thought I'd steal Baxter's stash of illegal hooch

and hide it in... your shower"!

"I am laughing as I write this knowing your cell is about to be searched,

and imagining the panic now gripping your soul"!!

[LISTER tears open the shower cubicle and sees several demijohns]

RIMMER

Oh my god!

LISTER

Oh god!

RIMMER

What the hell are we gonna do? We've got an inspection in five minutes!

We're on probation!

LISTER

Down the loo; down the sink.

[LISTER drags one of the demijohns over to their sink and upends the contents

into it]

RIMMER

Baxter's gonna kill us if he finds out we're doing this!

LISTER

The Captain's gonna kill us if we don't!

RIMMER

But Baxter! You've seen what he's like: grizzly bears run screaming from

*him*. Last week he was playing poker, ran out of money - he bet his right

nut on a pair of jacks! A pair of jacks! That's how hard he is.

[A warning light flashes above LISTER's head]

LISTER

Smeg, the tank's full!

RIMMER

What're we gonna do? We've still got two bottles left!

LISTER

We're gonna have to drink it.

RIMMER

Drink it? This Baxter's hooch, it's about three hundred percent proof! A

bottle of this would get the entire Greek navy drunk.

LISTER

It'll put hairs on your chest.

RIMMER

It'll put hairs on your lips! It'll put hairs on your... hairs! It's

lethal.

LISTER

Look, do you wanna get caught in possession of illegal hooch? Get

drinkin'.

RIMMER

Have we got any mixers?

LISTER

You are wetter than a driving instructors handshake, aren't you. Get it

down your gob!

[LISTER takes a tentative sip from one of the bottles. He lowers the bottle

slowly, face slack. He coughs painfully and shuffles hesitantly towards his

chair]

RIMMER

What's it like?

LISTER

It's okay...

[RIMMER takes a wary sip himself. After a moment, his mouth begins to

tremble, followed by the rest of his head. By the time he joins LISTER at

the table, most of his body is convulsing gently. LISTER topples off the

side of his chair and sits down heavily on the floor]

[-- 18 - CGI shot --------------------------------------------------13:37--]

[A plain black screen. Text appears:]

"5 minutes sshhlater..."

[-- 19 - Int. Cell -------------------------------------------------13:41--]

[RIMMER, LISTER present]

[LISTER has managed to regain his seat, but apart from that, nothing has

changed. Both RIMMER and LISTER sit quietly, wobbling gently and looking

decidedly ill]

[Enter ACKERMAN]

ACKERMAN

In-spec-tion!

[ACKERMAN's smile disappears as the pair ignore him, and he glares down at

them]

ACKERMAN

On your feet...

[RIMMER and LISTER do as ordered; or, at least, try. Several long moments

later, both have succeeded in pushing themselves to their feet]

ACKERMAN

Stand by your bunks...

[ACKERMAN moves aside and, with great care, RIMMER and LISTER make a dive

for the bunks, each managing to grab the top bed and hold themselves

upright. ACKERMAN takes a sniff of the demijohn standing on the table,

grimaces, and walks across the room to stand between RIMMER and LISTER in

front of the bunks]

ACKERMAN

You're drunk.

LISTER

Drunk, shir?

[LISTER shakes his head emphatically then finds it difficult to stop]

LISTER

No, sir.

RIMMER

Absolutelly not, sir, no. No, no. No.

[ACKERMAN ponders for a moment]

ACKERMAN

Who fancies a kebab?

LISTER

Oh yeah!

RIMMER

Me, sir, me!

LISTER

Oh smeg... he's shticked us.

[RIMMER passes out and falls stiffly to the floor. LISTER points and

giggles, then thinks hard for a few seconds]

LISTER

Musht've been tshe jshelly shtrifle for lunch, shir. Told him not to go

back for seconds, sir.

[LISTER rests his head against ACKERMAN's shoulder and instantly falls

asleep, snoring softly. ACKERMAN looks out of the cell]

ACKERMAN

Call the medi-bay; we need two stomach pumps.

[ACKERMAN stares at LISTER with disgust]

ACKERMAN

Super-suck...

[-- 20 - Int. Mess hall --------------------------------------------15:29--]

[KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, CAT, other prisoners present]

[Enter BAXTER, two cronies]

KOCHANSKI

It's Baxter...

[BAXTER menaces across the mess hall and leans over the Dwarfer's table]

BAXTER

Your two mates stole my hooch; and when they get out of hospital, and

there's no guards about, this is what's gonna happen to them...

[BAXTER picks up two bread buns from the table in front of CAT and crushes

them in his fists. He giggles insanely]

CAT

You're gonna squeeze their rolls?

That's irritating, but hey, in many ways they'll be quite relieved!

[Exit BAXTER]

KRYTEN

What've I done!?

[-- 21 - Int. Red Dwarf medibay ------------------------------------16:13--]

[LISTER, RIMMER present]

[The pair are laid in hospital beds and hooked up to I.V.'s]

RIMMER

Uaaahhhhh...

[Enter KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN]

[KOCHANSKI is sat in a wheelchair, which KRYTEN is pushing. In an

attempt to look like legitimate patients, both are dressed in white gowns,

KOCHANSKI has a large saucepan apparently stuck over her head, and KRYTEN's

head has been dotted with blue blobs of Blu-tak]

KOCHANSKI

Baxter's out to mash you - you've got to escape. We all have.

KRYTEN

Security's lax, here. If we can make it to the landing bay, and steal a

ship, well, Bob's your Skutter!

RIMMER

Where's the Cat?

KRYTEN

He should be getting himself hospitalised any second.

[-- 22 - Int. Mess hall --------------------------------------------16:40--]

[Three bulky prisoners are sat on a bench beside a table, eating meals from

trays]

[Enter CAT]

[CAT steps over the bench and proceeds to lever himself a space between two

of the men, his elbows, knees and feet all causing the other men obvious

annoyance as he pushes them aside. All three prisons stare menacingly at

CAT, but say nothing. CAT gestures down the table and speaks to the man

previously in the middle of the three prisoners]

CAT

Pass the salt, would you?

[As the man looks away to get the salt, CAT grabs a handful of fries from

the burly prisoner's tray and stuffs them into his mouth. As he turns back,

the man glances at his lighter tray, then at CAT, who points past him to

the prisoner sat at the end of the table]

CAT

That guy there took some of your fries.

[Despite the ludicrous suggestion, the big man looks at the other prisoner

anyway, who stares back impassively and goes back to his meal while CAT

helps himself to the other mans tray twice more. The burly prisoner stares

at CAT again]

BIG MEAT

What in the hell are you doin' -

[BIG MEAT casts a disdainful eye at CAT's haircut]

BIG MEAT

- Shirley?

[CAT glances at the man's large stomach]

CAT

I'm stealing your fries, fatboy.

[While BIG MEAT looks on incredulously, CAT elbows past him, grabs two more

mouthfuls of fries, steals his drink to washes them down, then picks up his

sausage and bites off a chunk. CAT then grabs the spoon from BIG MEAT's

hand and takes two spoonfuls of the man's trifle before tossing the spoon

down onto the tray]

CAT

Mmm. This is good. Tasty.

[BIG MEAT stares coldly at CAT and speaks slowly and menacingly]

BIG MEAT

There ain't no one more bad-ass *evil* in the whole of hell! What makes

you think you can diss me and live?

CAT

Cos things are changin' 'round here. From now on, marshmallow ass, you're

my bitch!

[Suddenly CAT closes his eyes and thrusts his jaw out at BIG MEAT, who

simply stares at him in amazement]

BIG MEAT

Your what?

CAT

B - I - itch, 'bitch'! That's what you look like; that's what you are!

Understand?

[Again CAT squeezes his eyes shut and thrusts out his jaw, muscles tensed]

[BIG MEAT is motionless for a moment, then suddenly he seems to sag]

BIG MEAT

Okay!

CAT

What?

BIG MEAT

Anyone who tough-talks me gotta be a no-loadin' pug! You want me to be

your bitch, that's *fine* by me! Sir!

CAT

You sure you don't want to just hit me a couple of times, test me out?

BIG MEAT

No, sir! I'm your bitch! From now on I'm your jiggly-wiggly, roll-over,

sweet-patooey, honey-bun missy! I just wan' make you happy!

CAT

Then hit me!

[CAT offers his jaw desperately]

BIG MEAT

And hurt my baby's kisser? Nothin' doin'!

[BIG MEAT puts his huge arms around CAT and smiles broadly. CAT turns away

as much as he can, panic on his face]

CAT

Damn!

[-- 23 - Int. Red Dwarf medi-bay ------------------------------Raz--18:52--]

[LISTER present, RIMMER, NURSE present]

[Exit NURSE]

[Enter CAT]

[CAT presses himself up against the corner just entered around, checking

behind him to check if the NURSE noticed anything peculiar. It's easy to see

what he's worried about - he is dressed in a nurse's yellow checked utility

dress and white cap. Satisfied the NURSE has left, CAT totters to LISTER's

bedside on a pair of high heels and pretends to check his pulse. His eyes

closed, LISTER smiles and looks up, then grimaces in surprise]

CAT

We can't hang around, we've gotta be out of here by five o'clock!

LISTER

What's so special about five o'clock?

CAT

Five o'clock's bed-bath time! And apparently, I'm doin' them!

[-- 24 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------------19:20--]

[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT]

[KRYTEN unfastens the cover of an access tube set into the wall of the

corridor and the Dwarfers file out]

[-- 25 - Int. Red Dwarf Landing bay 2 ------------------------------19:26--]

[The Dwarfers approach a dark and empty section of corridors leading

towards the landing bay. A short way along a corridor, a film of some

gelatinous, lumpy substance coats the various metal surfaces, and the whole

section steams are drips steadily as the metal corrodes away]

[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER]

KRYTEN

The microbe, which destroyed the Hermes - it's on Red Dwarf!

[Enter RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT]

LISTER

How?

RIMMER

The microbe's chameleonic, so it must have been the escape pod; the one

Talia whatsername arrived on.

LISTER

We've gotta go back and tell them.

RIMMER

But what about our escape?

LISTER

It could be days before they discover this! If we go back now, they've got

a chance to work on an antidote.

RIMMER

You're just acting all brave and manly to impress her, aren't you?

KOCHANSKI

No, Dave's right. He's looking at the big picture.

RIMMER

Yeah, 'the big picture' involves you, no clothes and a haystack.

[-- 26 - Int. Central chamber, floor 13 ----------------------------20:01--]

[Prisoners CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

[HOLLISTER stands on the the first level balcony that circles the chamber

and looks down at the inmates]

HOLLISTER

Red Dwarf is being devoured from within by a corrosive micro-organism. As

you probably know, we don't have enough craft for everyone to be rescued,

so most of you will be staying behind to die. Oh, there's an apology about

that in the internal mail.

[-- 27 - Model/CGI shot --------------------------------------------20:18--]

[Red Dwarf cruises through space, as several squadrons of Blue Midget and

Starbug transport craft stream away]

[-- 28 - Int. Landing bay 2, corroding corridor --------------------20:28--]

[KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT present]

[KRYTEN holds a test tube, and gingerly collects a quantity of the dark

brown, jelly-like microbe]

KRYTEN

Just as I thought. Created in a lab and programmed not to destroy glass.

CAT

So all we need is a plutonium powered greenhouse and we're home free!

KRYTEN

We need an antidote. Something that can neutralise the corrosive

negativity of the microbe.

LISTER

Something with a corrosive *positivity*?

CAT

So where do we get that?

HOLLY [on LISTER's wristwatch]

There's nothing in Yellow Pages.

KOCHANSKI

A mirror universe! A universe where things are diametrically opposite to

this one. There, negative becomes positive, and a virus becomes an antidote.

[-- 29 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------20:59--]

[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI, RIMMER present]

[KRYTEN fusses over a small device he has placed on a platform in the centre

of the room. KRYTEN powers up his machine, and a shimmering beam of light

streams from the unit and into the prism positioned in front of it. The

light emerges on the other side of the prism, circled by diminishing

concentric rings, continuing forward until it strikes a tall mirror hung on

the wall. The mirror 'ripples' as the beam perturbs its surface]

KRYTEN

If there's even the slightest imperfection in the prism, the mirror

universe may be an imperfect version of our own. That's something we won't

know until we get there.

[LISTER gestures to RIMMER to lead on. Holding the tube of microbes in his

right hand, RIMMER steps through the mirror...]

[-- 30 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:18--]

[RIMMER present]

[...and emerges in a mirror image of the room he just left. RIMMER holds up

the test tube, surprised to see that he now holds it in his left hand, and

that its contents gave turned white]

[-- 31 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------21:22--]

[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

[An angry pop and a flash of sparks come from KRYTEN's machine, and the beam

of light abruptly cuts off. KOCHANSKI, in the act of following RIMMER,

finds herself colliding with a suddenly solid mirror]

[-- 32 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:25--]

[RIMMER present]

[RIMMER notices the mirror solidify behind him and spins around, panicked.

He checks the now-solid surface closely, but there's nothing he can do]

[-- 33 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------21:28--]

[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

[The machine fizzles and pops, showering sparks and sending a cloud of smoke

spiralling upwards]

KRYTEN

It's overloaded! We've lost Mister Rimmer!

CAT

At last, things are looking up!

LISTER

How long's it going to take to fix that thing?

KRYTEN

Well, best guess, about twenty minutes.

[-- 34 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:39--]

[RIMMER looks around the room. We see a close up on a TV screen, which is

showing an old black and white sci-fi horror movie. A woman is carrying

a creature dressed in a dark suit and helmet that kicks its legs and howls

melodramatically.

There is a knock on the door. RIMMER realises what is going on, and dives

to the bed, taking off his boots. The caller knocks again, while RIMMER

finds a blanked tucked behind a pillow on the bed]

[-- 34 - Int. Mirror universe, Corridor outside recovery room ------22:00--]

[CREWMEMBER present]

[Close up: a CREWMEMBER knocks again on the door]

[-- 35 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------22:02--]

[RIMMER has managed to slip under the blanket. The door slides open and

RIMMER hastily grabs the microbe tube and stuffs it under the blanket]

[Enter MIRROR HOLLISTER]

[M.HOLLISTER is carrying a tray with a drink and clipboard on it, and smiles

sycophantically]

M.HOLLISTER

Can I come in, sir?

I did knock, sir, perhaps you didn't hear?

Here's your hot lemon, sir.

[RIMMER takes a sip, before handing the glass back and glancing at the

insignias on M.HOLLISTER's shirt]

RIMMER

Thank you, erm... Private... nobody.

M.HOLLISTER

Oh, er, a few directives to sign, sir.

RIMMER

Of course, laddie.

[RIMMER takes the clipboard and turns to the second page, then scowls]

RIMMER

A free pardon, exonerating you from all crimes?

[RIMMER tears out the false directive and throws it away. HOLLISTER exhales

loudly]

M.HOLLISTER

Oohhh, I don't know how that got in there, sir, I, er... I...

RIMMER

Want to be an officer, don't you, laddie?

M.HOLLISTER

Oh, sir, could I? One day, could I be?

RIMMER

No, I don't think you could.

[RIMMER takes a pen and tries to sign a directive, but his arm refuses to

control the pen properly]

RIMMER

Of course, it's a mirror universe, everything's opposite...

[RIMMER puts the pen in his left hand and signs the directive. Suddenly, a

thought occurs to him and he grins excitedly. Lifting the blanket, he

glances downwards, stares intently for a few moments and swallows]

RIMMER

My God... this is gonna take some getting used to...

[Enter MIRROR TALIA]

M.TALIA

They said it was okay to drop by...

You look wonderful...

RIMMER

So do you...

That'll be all, shambles.

M.HOLLISTER

Yes, sir.

M.TALIA

You made Captain -

[Exit MIRROR HOLLISTER]

M.TALIA

You've done so well. Your own ship... wow! I've got goosebumps.

RIMMER

So have I!

M.TALIA

Let me kiss you.

[As M.TALIA leans forward, RIMMER grabs her eagerly and presses her lips to

his in a passionate kiss. Immediately, though, the woman tries to squirm

away, making muffled protests. RIMMER realises the problem and releases

her]

M.TALIA

What are you doing!?

RIMMER

I'm giving you a big, wet snog, with oodles of Tommy-tongue!

M.TALIA

But I'm your sister!

[Shock paints RIMMER's face, and he sits bolt upright in the bed]

RIMMER

Yes, of course, but I was really pleased to see you. I, erm...

M.TALIA

You French-kissed me!

RIMMER

No, it was nearer Antwerp. I Belgium-kissed you. I - I - I... urrrgghh...

I've been really ill... You're the Captain's sister?

[RIMMER begins to hyperventilate, then passes out. Seconds later, he lets

out an abrupt groan and sits up again]

RIMMER

Oh, my god, what a terrible dream!

Oh, hi, sis! It's me, Arnie, your bro! Get your big ol' lumpy bum down

here and give'us a big hug!

[RIMMER reaches out, catching M.TALIA's nose between his fingers playfully

and shaking her head, but she pulls her nose free and backs away, appalled]

M.TALIA

Captain Rimmer! I am Sister Talia Garrett; your personal spiritual

advisor!

[M.TALIA lets out a strained whimper and flees]

[Exit M.TALIA]

RIMMER

Sis! Sister... whoever you are!

Oh, smeg!

[-- 36 - Int. Mirror universe, Science office ----------------------24:50--]

[MIRROR KOCHANSKI present]

[M.KOCHANSKI sits at a desk engrossed in a magazine. In this mirror

universe, she has tumbling blonde curls, and is wearing a pink satin

blouse]

[Enter RIMMER]

RIMMER

Excuse me?

M.KOCHANSKI

Yes?

[M.KOCHANSKI speaks in a nasal voice, and doesn't look up from her magazine]

RIMMER

I wonder, could you tell me what this is?

[M.KOCHANSKI frowns at the tube RIMMER holds up]

M.KOCHANSKI

You'll have to ask the professor, then. He does all that stupid, sciencey

brain-box type stuff.

[A door, marked 'HAZARD AREA' mirrored backwards, swings open]

[Enter MIRROR CAT]

[The MIRROR CAT is wearing a tweed suit, bow tie and glasses, and wears his

hair in a short afro cut]

M.CAT

Somebody call?

RIMMER

Professor!?

M.CAT

Yes, Captain?

RIMMER

Perhaps you could help me. What's this?

[RIMMER hands him the test tube, which M.CAT sniffs]

M.CAT

Hmm.

[M.CAT glances at the tube under a microscope, then holds it up once more

and frowns at the contents]

M.CAT

Hmmm, its an alkali.

RIMMER

Oh yes? What's it called?

M.CAT

Soliciumfrankolithicmixyalebidiumrixydixydoxydexydroxide.

You look surprised.

RIMMER

I never thought I'd ever hear you say that. Can you write it down for me?

M.CAT

Certainly. Can I have an extremely *long* piece of paper, my dear?

[-- 37 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------25:36--]

[The mirror universe machine has apparently been fixed. It sends its beam

through the mirror once more, and is working well enough to allow RIMMER's

leg to pass through the glass, quickly followed by the rest of him]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER is holding the piece of paper with the formula, but appears to have

left his test tube behind. As he enters the room fully, the beam of light

from KRYTEN's machine fades away and disappears]

RIMMER

The antidote; I did it!

[RIMMER quickly realises that the room is empty. More worryingly, red

warning lights pulse over the metal walls of the corridor outside.

[-- 38 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room -----------------------25:44--]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER rushes out into the corridor, as blasts of steam gush from

ruptured pipes and flakes of burnt polycarbons flutter in the air. The ship

trembles alarmingly, and the sound of twisting metal can be heard all

around. RIMMER pauses by the troublesome food DISPENSER and looks around in

panic]

RIMMER

Wha - Where is everyone?

DISPENSER

They've repaired the machine and crossed into the mirror universe. You're

the highest ranked crewmember left on the ship, so I *suppose* that makes

you Captain - congratulations, Cap.

RIMMER

Smeg off!

[-- 39 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------26:05--]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER dashes back into the recovery room but realises that the device is

off and the doorway to the mirror universe is closed. He glances at the

machine, and the problem is immediately obvious: the microbe has spread and

the machine is a half-melted, corroding mess. RIMMER stares at the formula

on his piece of paper, and dashes out]

[Exit RIMMER]

[-- 40 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room -----------------------26:16--]

[RIMMER present]

[Dodging blasts of burning steam, RIMMER runs back out into the corridor,

just as something in the recovery room breaks out in flames, but is pulled

up short by the DISPENSER]

DISPENSER

Where are you going?

[RIMMER shakes the paper at the machine]

RIMMER

To make up a formula!

DISPENSER

I think you'll find that the formula on that paper has now turned into the

formula for the virus, because you've left the mirror universe, so it's

turned back into its opposite - ha ha ha haa haaaa!

[RIMMER stares at the garbled letters on the paper, as smoke, rolling in

from the fire behind him, begins to obscure his vision]

RIMMER

Smeg, you're right! This is a disaster!

DISPENSER

No, there still could be a happy ending.

RIMMER

How?

DISPENSER

You know that chocolate bar you still owe me for? You could always pay me

back before you snuff it.

RIMMER

How's that a happy ending?

DISPENSER

Well, its a happy ending for me. At least my totals will tally.

RIMMER

Why don't you smegging-well smeg off, you annoying little smeggy smegging

smegger!

[The remains of the universe device explode messily, turning the fire behind

RIMMER into an inferno. He runs for cover down the corridor]

[Exit RIMMER]

DISPENSER

Every dog has its day, and today's the day...

[The DISPENSER takes careful aim, and launches a high-velocity fizzy drink

can through the air after RIMMER]

[-- 41 - Int. Far end of Corridor ----------------------------------27:06--]

[RIMMER present]

[The can smacks RIMMER neatly on the back of the head, and he drops to the

deck like a stone]

[-- 42 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room -----------------------27:09--]

DISPENSER

...that I'm the dog!

[-- 43 - Int. Far end of Corridor -----------------------------Raz--27:11--]

[RIMMER present]

[Stunned and in pain, RIMMER is on his hands and knees on the deck, the heat

of the expanding fire singeing his back. Slowly he holds up the strip of

paper with the microbe formula; it has caught fire as RIMMER fell to the

deck, and perhaps a third of it has burned away already]

RIMMER

Smeg...

[Struggling to retain consciousness, RIMMER lets the paper fall and sinks

tiredly to the deck; nothing left to run to, and soon nothing even to run

from. Exhausted, the air in the corridor growing hot and thin, RIMMER

watches the flames lick at and burn away his last chance of salvation, when

a foot, wearing a brown, open-toed sandal, crushes out the flames]

[Enter DEATH]

[RIMMER follows his eyes as they track slowly up the tall figure, whose body

is completely obscured by flowing robes that seem to be teased by a

whistling wind and somehow distanced from the heat and flames around them.

The figure carries a long pole, to which is attached a long, curved blade]

DEATH

Arnold Judas Rimmer. Your life is over. Come with me.

[Extending a hand, DEATH helps RIMMER to his feet as his deep, booming voice

drones on]

DEATH

We will travel to the River Styx, where you will place a coin in the -

RIMMER

Not today, matey!

[Abruptly, RIMMER knees DEATH solidly in the groin. The ethereal one drops

his scythe and falls to his knees like the proverbial sack of potatoes]

RIMMER

Remember: "only the good die young".

[A spring in his step, RIMMER turns on his heel and dashes away]

[Exit RIMMER]

DEATH

That's never happened before...

[DEATH collapses onto the deck]

[-- 44 - CGI shot --------------------------------------------------28:15--]

[A black screen; a steady wind can be heard, blowing gently. Fade up the

words:

"THE END"

[After a few moments, the letters are deleted, making way for a replacement

message:]

"THE SMEG IT IS"

[------------------------ END OF "ONLY THE GOOD" ---------------------]