RED DWARF - SERIES 7 EPISODE 3 -- "OUROBOROS"
[-- 1 - Int. Empty pub ----------------------------------------------------]
underneath a zero-gravity pool table. A single word written in black
marker pen adorns the side of the box, and reads: 'Ouroboros'. The owner
of the box leaves without being seen>
All right? Anyone servin' or what?
[Both speakers have distinct Liverpudlian accents]
it up and finds a baby wrapped in blankets inside. He takes it back to the
[Enter BARMAID. She opens the metal grate that seals off the bar area]
'Ello, Frank, pet. What can I get for you?
Look at this - a just found it under the pool table.
They've written its name on the side, 'ere.
Yeah, look at the way it's spelt - they must've been thicker than a ticket
tout's wad. Couldn't even decide on a name.
Aw, poor little mite. I wonder what'll become of 'im? Som'thin'
[-- x - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]
[LISTER present. Shaving foam covers the right-hand side of his face and
in one hand he holds a razor which he runs down his jawline while brushing
his teeth with his ither hand. This completed to his satisfaction, LISTER
picks up a pair of cooking tongs and, fully anticipating agony, pulls out
an overtly protruding nasal hair. He cringes.>
I hate doin' that - I *hate* doin' that.
mouth to tinkle and lose itself against the bathroom equipment>
Smeg! I've just sneezed out my cap!
[Enter KRYTEN. He carries a washing basket and fresh bedclothes]
Just thought I'd change your linen before you turn in for the night, sir.
Kryten, something terrible's happenned: I've lost my cap.
No, no, here it is, sir. I've just finished giving it its monthly scrape.
My *tooth* cap... the one you made from the skeleton in the medi-bay.
Heyy, here it is. I need some glue to stick it in; I've just got that
needly, pointy thing - I look disgusting.
No, no - I look all needly, pointy and disgusting.
Let me see, sir. I'm a mechanoid, for goodness' sake. I won't be
revolted no matter *how* you look.
Yes, yes, very funny - just fix it.
It'll take about half an hour to prepare some dental adhesive.
Oh, gimme some wood glue - you can re-do it in the mornin'.
Wood glue? Are you sure, sir? I don't want you to get your lips glued
thing' before sticking his cap back into place>
Oh, incidentally, I just found some old clothes in one of the storage
Eyyyy, I need a dressing gown.
Well, that's what I thought. I thought if I remove the trim, and let it
out a little bit, obviously dye it, well I think it could be just dandy.
Oh, perhaps I could take the necessary measurements now, sir?
measurements with a tape measure>
I wonder why guys have nostril hair.
I think its nature's way of telling you its time to buy a flat cap and a
Worst, are those guys who just let it grow. They look like they've got,
like, half a loo-brush lodged up each nostril. They look like those
machines that shine your shoes.
KRYTEN brought with him, and puts them on>
Curious, isn't it, that most women aren't similarly afflicted. Obviously
I'm excluding women who work in Oxfam shops.
Hey, it evens itself out, doesn't it. Women have the agony of childbirth
They don't know they're born! They don't!
After a moment, his sideways motion suddenly stops. He tugs for a moment,
alarmed, before realisation dawns>
What is *wrong* with me? Now I've got a box of floss attached to my face!
[Enter CAT. He takes in LISTER's dressing gown, bunny slippers and dental
Did you come in 'ere for a reason?
Oh yeah! Something's showing up on the long range scan which is *weird*
Can you be a tad more scientific?
Er, is it a 'wibbly thing', or a 'swirly thing', sir?
At this early stage I'd hate to commit myself and wind up looking a fool!
'Wibbly thing', or 'swirly thing', and he refuses to commit himself...
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------------]
[CAT, KRYTEN, LISTER present, at stations]
It's some kind of power surge that's causing a major disturbance in the
It's also causing a major disturbance in the fabric of my pants!
I'm gonna turn this tub around a try to out-run it.
Get real, man - that thing out there's going faster than a copy of
Suggest we treat it like a tidal wave, sir, and head straight for the 'eye
Go for it, man. The eye of the storm.
We seem to be through the worst of it! But I'm picking up some kind of
subspace energy disturbance down on the engineering deck.
[-- x - Int. Starbug engineering deck ------------------------------------]
[This is a dark and quiet corridor within Starbug, with one particular
feature of interest: where once was one section of the side wall, there is
now a shimmering, pulsating wall of blue light]
According to the psi-scan, the membrane between two realities has
temporarily collapsed. This is some kind of 'hyperway', through non-space
[LISTER steps tentatively into the Way, followed by KRYTEN and CAT]
[-- x - Int. Within the Way -----------------------------------------------]
[LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT present. The Dwarfers walk slowly along a ethereal
blue tunnel, seemingly constructed of misty azure laser light. It manages
to convey a suggestion of being structurally unsound, giving slightly
beneath the weight of their steps]
and pulls him up. Revealed neyond the Way is an inky blackness beneath
filled with fast-flowing ribbons of mist>
Careful, sir. The linkway's about as stable as an Italian taxi driver
who's got stuck behind two old priest in a Skoda.
'Non-space', sir. An abyss of infinite nothingness, where Time doesn't
Sounds like Rimmer's organ recital night...
[-- x - Int. Within the Way -----------------------------------------------]
images of the Dwarfers, there is a Parallel KRYTEN, identical but for a
gold body shell; a Parallel CAT, immaculately dressed and aloof; and
finally a Parallel LISTER; smartly dressed, self-assured, and...>
So, in your dimension Lister died?
In the radiation leak that wiped out Red Dwarf.
Well, why didn't you get put into stasis like me? What happenned?
Remember coming back from shore leave on Mimas..?
I'd taken a couple'a days off to get over Kochanski. Yeah, I remember...
[-- x - Int. Red Dwarf customs area --------------------------------------]
RIMMER present, standing in an embarkation corridor in a Red Dwarf customs
area. This is the Red Dwarf pre-accident, and is pretty much as it was in
series 1/2 time - masses of dull, grey metal and bored JMC staff. RIMMER
stands at the end of the corridor, close to the customs desk. He is
peering down the corridor, out of shot, and holds a recognition card
[Enter LISTER. He pushes a trolley before him piled with bags]
Where the hell have you been? I've reported you as A.W.O.L.
I've been on shore leave, man. Didn't you get my message?
You're supposed to apply to a superior officeer before you get shore
Look, give me a break. Ever since Kochanski split up with me I've needed
But you didn't tell me! You should have told me! Are you really
Didn't I tell you you'd never bridge that class division? Take her:
navigation officer, cadet school, Space Corps., well-spoken, can stay awake
during operas, knows her cheeses. She's class. And you? What are you?
I don't mean to sound cruel but in comparison you're scum. And second-rate
I used to be fourth-rate scum - I've dragged meself up by my bootsraps,
Your type isn't Kochanski, Listy. It's someone called 'Tiffany'. It's
someone who drinks Campari and soda and wears orange crotchless panties;
someone who thinks Deely-boppers are funny; someone who says 'sumfink'
instead of *something*, and laughs like a freshly wounded moose strapped to
This from a man who's had less sex than a lettuce...
Rimmer, people who say 'har har' have no sense of humour, they just can't
spots her and smarms up, his introduction attracting LISTER's attention,
Ah, Ms Kochanski, ma'am. I don't suppose you've read my proposal for a
new Space Corps. salute? It's just, I'm trying to get the support of the
officers to have it replace the conventional one. I don't want to pressure
you but it *is* rather important, because if you like it, that brings the
overall total of officers who are right behind it up to... one.
Have sex with someone and that's an order.
Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am.
Ring this number, say I sent ya, tell 'em it's an emergency.
I just wanted to say, look, I'm sorry... for the 'Dear John'. It was
Oh, that! Sorry, I'd completely forgot. It seems like years ago.
Oh come on, Dave! It's just, we weren't going anywhere!
How could we? We never got out of bed.
Look, there's more to life than hanging out in your bunk, eating delivery
curries and having fantastic sex.
Frankly, I find that very hard to believe...
I just wanted to see if we could be friends...
Do you mean give it another go?
No, no. I'm, er, back with Tim now.
Tim?? That guy is such a poser! The way he always wears that white suit
and that big white floppy hat...
Yeeaahhh, but the way he always poses around, in the officers club,
smoking those black cigarettes. Such a phoney.
Do you know what you'll get for smuggling a cat on board??
I'm serious! As serving N.O. I'm supposed to report this!
So report it, I'll only go into stasis for six months.
Don't you know how dangerous it is to smuggle in an unquarantined animal?
I was lonely - I'd just been dumped by my girlfriend...
It breaks every reg. in the manual...
[-- x - Int. Waste disposal area -----------------------------------------]
[Enter KOCHANSKI. This is a dingy area of the ship decorated with gloomy
paintwork and large industrial machinery]
opens it. She puts the cat into the unit, closes the door and taps
commands into the console. Gazing at the cat as the unit begins to power
up, KOCHANSKI relents at the the last moment, opens the door and takes out
Just don't get caught or I'm out cold for six months, okay??
[-- x - Int. Inside the Way ----------------------------------------------]
[Cut back to present time. We are once more withing the shimming blue
[LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN, P.LISTER, P.CAT, P.KRYTEN present]
So you didn't get put into stasis, and died with the rest of the crew..?
Then Holly brought me back as a hologram.
So what happenned to Kochanski?
They found the cat, and she got six months in stasis.
[Enter KOCHANSKI. Like LISTER, she has changed somewhat since her days on
board Red Dwarf. Rather than cling to the Space Corps. (like Rimmer with
his uniforms) and to her Officer's status, the Parallel KOCHANSKI could be
said to be dressed for action. Her dark, shoulder-length hair is arranged
and fastened atop her head, and she wears a shiny, tight-fitting red
himself up, finally settling for looping his dangling strands of floss back
You look pretty amazing yourself...
So in this dimension you didn't die? You're an alternate version of
Well, I like to think of myself as the definitive version, y'know? Honed
to perfection by Time and evolution.
I can see why you think that, yeah.
Sirs, er, ma'am, we've scarcely two hours before the dimensional tear
self-repairs and we loose the linkway. I suggest we might spend some of
that time exchanging supplies and information.
We could update your hydrogen ram-drive to a tachyon-powered engine core?
And in return, maybe we could unscrew all those old pickle jars you can't
There is *something* you could do for us...
At some point I want to have children. It's a slightly pervy thing to
ask, especiually seeing as we've only just met, but perhaps you could -
After all, we've been... y'know, lovers... Perhaps you could -
Fill this up. It's a self- gamet-mixing in-vitro tube. I'm... already in
there; it just needs your... contribution.
So it worked out for you guys, then.
Linkway, almost knocking those present off their feet. KRYTEN frantically
taps commands into his Psi-scanner>
Gelf ship! Somehow they've managed to infiltrate non-space!
that rips its delicate structure in two - the ragged ends seperated by a
distance of 10 feet or so. Off-balance, KOCHANSKI falls but manages to
grab the strap of a box carried by the Parallel Lister and placed on the
bottom of the tunnel. The Parallel LISTER dives on the box to stop her
dragging her support away with her, and stretches his arm down into
body down over the lip of the tear, reaching out to the struggling
and LISTER, wincing with the strain, hauls her up and onto the 'wrong' side
of the Way. Just as she reaches safety, the Gelfs launch a third salvo and
the tunnel begins to shake itself apart. A third explosion knocks everone
to the ground, KOCHANSKI herself rendered unconscious. The two crews are
forced back into their respective ships - the link between their two
[-- x - Int. Starbug Medi-bay --------------------------------------------]
[KOCHANSKI present, unconscious on the medi-bay's bed, LISTER anxiously
hovering over her. Her eyes flutter open, and she wraps her arms around
LISTER and pulls him close to her]
Oh dear! Er, sir, I think, er, Miss Kochanski's under the delusion that
But you don't understand me, sir, you see Miss Kochanski thinks that
I can handle it, okay! Now go and make some sweet tea or something!
Wait a minute... this isn't the medi-bay...
I think you must have mistaken me for *your* Lister...
Well, *that's* what I've been trying to tell you all along, sir!
If only you'd listened to me, I could have saved you from all that
Is that the kind of guy you are? Someone who'd take advantage of a woman
I was gonna tell you, honestly! But they always told me in school it's
rude to talk with your mouth full.
Wait, you mean I'm *stuck* here with you? Priscilla, Queen of Deep
Space?? No way! I've got to get that linkway back!
It's not exactly possible at the moment, we're under attack.
[-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit --------------------------------------------]
[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER, KOCHANSKI]
a particularly hideous, hairy Gelf. KRYTEN tears it off>
They've sent a scan, sir. Take a look.
We all went to the wedding, it was just beautiful.
We were in a bit of a fix! We needed an engine part!
You should visit the orang-utan house at London zoo sometime, your eyes'd
Wait! They're opening comms channels -
Er, sir? They're demanding you return to your bride. In Gelf law,
seperation is impossible without special dispensation from hhakk-akhhaak-
kkhhak, hhakh-hhakhkhkahak-hkaahkahk-hkhk. Chief Justice of hakhakhk-
aahkahkh-hkhakkhaakhaaakah-akkk-hhakaaaak-kak-akk-hakkakak.
Okay, patch me in to the NCN and I'll lay down an S-S line.
Quadrant 4-niner-2, stroke G8-7, moving across to quadrant 2 to Q4-1
stroke 9. Just, follow my co-ords.
You want me to follow your cords??
Now, you're not talking about trousers, are you..?
surface of an ice planet where Cat begins to thread Starbug through the
glaciers, the Gelf cruiser barelling along behind them>
Twenty degrees starboard from this next burg...
Hold this line... keep holding... *keep* holding... lift now!
and the rest of the ship, upwards and clear of the glacial wall they were
heading for. The Gelf ship, with it's extra bulk and lack of
manouvrability, crashes headlong into the glacier>
[-- x - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters -----------------------------------]
[Enter KRYTEN. His general atitude and short, heavy movements, show that
he is obviously agitated about something]
Still no sign of Miss Kochanski's ship, sir. We're fast running out of
No, sir. I don't believe it is.
I'm a mere mechanoid, sir. It's hardly my place to point out what a...
She knew that was you *all along*, sir! She was merely trying you out to
compare you with *her* Mr Lister. Pshaw!
Apparently, he's quite something. Initially a soft light hologram, that's
made him 'sensitive and caring in a way most men aren't'.
What, you mean he can remember anniversaries and stay awake for several
He's 'every woman's dream guy', sir. He even enjoys shopping for shoes!
A human male, who's prepared to have in-depth discussions about...
We're talking about someone about someone 'quite exceptional' here, sir.
Well that leaves you trying to help me get her - get her back to her
She can't stay here, sir. She just can't!
I just know we're not going to be able to get rid of her!
[KRYTEN's voice has dramatically changed - it's now very high pitched, like
he's on the verge of bursting into tears]
She's gonna take you away from me, I just know it!
I took her a glass of milk while she was showering... *I've* *seen* *her*
She's got all those 'in and out' bits that you like...
Kryten, no matter what happens, you and me - we're compadres; amigos.
But that's all going to change if she stays! You'll end up liking her
So if she walked in here now, and, and took all her clothes off, and said
"Oh, make love to me, you horny dude", and I said, "oh, perhaps you'd prefer
to fold some sheets with me instead, sir?" What would you do?
What kind of sheets would they be?
Well, those nice cotton ones with the pattern.
What, blue stripey ones or the green square ones?
So, it's making love to Kochanski, or folding sheets with you?
Can I do final fold and stack?
Well it'd be the sheets, then.
Oh! She's standing there all naked with all the in-and-out bits going all
It'll be the sheets, Kryt. You and me. Hospital corners.
You're lying!! You're just trying to make me feel better! Ohh! Why
can't she be more like Mr Rimmer? He was perfect! he didn't have any
in-and-out bits, hardly at all.
There's no one I care more about than you, okay!
I'd never dump you like she did! Never!
Yes you are! I'm gong to end up on my own again, just like I did on the
You killed the crew, Kryten! No wonder you ended up on your own! All
right, it was an accident, but nevertheless...
But what about before that? it was the same on the SS Augustus.
[-- x - Model shot-------------------------------------------------------]
[-- x - Int. Starbug Cockpit ---------------------------------------------]
[CAT, KOCHANSKI present, at stations]
I thought I'd, er, lend a hand and see if I could help you get out of
I've got a positive trans-dimensional trace but I still can't
re-establish the linkway. I'm sure it's something to do with electro-
You took the words right out of my mouth!
Have you tried inverting the signal?
We'll need a power re-route in the auxiliary power drives.
I'll take care of that! ... Whatever it is.
It's the, er, big red button, there, sir.
Hey, officer Butt-Babe, about that power simillililillum-inuminim drive?
[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]
[KOCHASNKI present, working at a pertable terminal]
[Enter KRYTEN. He sits at a second terminal]
Ma'am, I think it'd be more efficient if we spent our energies trying to
Well, you're not good enough for him! That's all. Okay, he may walk
around smelling like a Balti house laundry basket, but he doesn't need the
likes of you swapping dimensions like there's no tomorrow, and bewitching
him with all your... in-and-out bits. All pointy and unnecessary!
You've got big problems, you know that, don't you?
Well, at least I don't have a ridiculous walk. Unlike some people.
Ha - Have you seen the way *you* walk??
I have a perfectly sensible walk!
At least I don't walk like this:
Phaser frequency 434 - we've got it back!
What? You're right, that's it!
[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------]
[KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI present]
Champagne, everyone! if this doesn't deserve a celebration, I don't know
What are we celebrating exactly?
her with his head and mouths 'She's leaving!' KOCHANSKI turns to the mech
who instantly smiles warmly at her>
You've found your crewmates at last - how wonderful!
I must go and find the others.
[-- x - Int. Gantry within Starbug --------------------------------------]
Just pop that in the uterine simulator in your medi-lab and... bingo.
As soon as it's old enough I'll tell it all about you -
Just make it understand why I'm not there, I don't want it ending up like
What happenned to you was really rough. The pool table, no note, no
I think that's why I spent most of my early life drifting, y'know? I
didn't have anything to look to cos I didn't know who I was, where I came
from. Just those two names they couldn't decide on calling me; 'Rob' or
Well... I'll look after it. You know I will.
[Enter KRYTEN, interposing himself between them to get to the gantry
Excuse me, sir; just doing a spot of dusting here...
[-- x - Int. Starbug cargo bay -------------------------------------------]
Look, this is probably a long shot but if we can hit the right settings
it may be possible to communicate trans-dimensionally.
[Enter KRYTEN, CAT, carrying boxes]
Supplies from Butt-Babe's ship.
Well, it's the symbol for 'infinity', sir. The snake, eating it's own
tail and thus completing the everlasting circle of life that has no
The crate used to contain batteries, sir. Ouroboros batteries;
Ouroboros, sir - it's the name of the symbol.
Ouroboros... It wasn't 'Our Rob or Ross', it was Ouroboros..!
The message that was written on the side of my box!
You came in a box? That explains everything.
I know who my parents are... I know who I am... I understand, now!
The in-vitro tube, the one that Kochanski's got. The frozen embryo - it's
me! At some point after the baby's borm we must go back in time and leave
me under the pool table at the Aigburth Arms. We wrote Ouroboros on the box
to explain! I'm my own father... and Chris is my ex-girlfriend and my mum!
You should write a letter to Playboy, bud. I bet you anything it'd get
I've gotta get that test tube back.
[-- x - Int. The Way ----------------------------------------------------]
[P.LISTER, P.KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present]
[Enter LISTER, running to catch up]
I need the in-vitro tube! It's me!
[The Parallel crew are too far away to hear properly]
the Dwarfers and is doing all in its power to break the trans-dimensional
connection. It fires a second shot and the tortured Linkway shudders and
tears apart, again stranding the unfortunate Kochanski in the wrong
Dimension. This time, she isn't going to put up with it. Setting her
sights on the ragged ledge of the linkway that floats temptingly just feet
away, she shrugs off her jacket and unclips her heavy belt>
Spread almost flat, she falls short by mere centimeters and plummets into
I've decided to stay; just, one proviso -
[-- x - Int. Starbug cargo bay -------------------------------------------]
[Enter LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN, running to the cargo stores and tearing lids
off containers as quickly as possible]
It's mountaineering equipment from Miss Kochanski's ship, sir.
I thought it might come in handy next time we run into your wife.
You've got about 20 seconds before I'm out of reach!
[-- x - Int. The Way ----------------------------------------------------]
I'm getting a *mite* panicky, here..!
rope to a crossbow bolt and takes careful aim through the telescopic sight.
Sweat beading on his brow, his finger tenses; he knows that a stray shot
will end the life of the only woman he has ever truly loved - in more ways
He pulls the trigger, and the bolt hurls itself into the abyss. The pile
of rope uncoiles with dizzying speed as the the bolt arcs through the
blackness - until it embeds itself solidly, clear through Kochanski's right
takes it from LISTER's pocket. KRYTEN listens, his eyes widening>
It's an obscene phone call, sir. I think it's for you.
[-- x - Int. Starbug medi-bay --------------------------------------------]
I've brought you a drink, but don't think for one minute it means I've
I'm gonna get up, and work out a way of re-establishing that linkway.
It's too late ma'am, the rift's self-repaired...
[His voice again becomes tearful and high-pitched]
Standing, KRYTEN sees that the back of her gown has got fastened in the
[-- x - Int. An empty pub ------------------------------------------------]
[Enter LISTER, holding a cardboard box in which is a baby, wrapped in
For a long time, you'll think that you were abandoned, but you *weren't*,
man. You were put here to create a paradox, an unbreakable circle. With us
going 'round and 'round in time, the human race can never beome extinct.
We're like... a kind of 'holding pattern'.
gently slides the box underneath>
[--------------------------- END OF "OUROBOROS" ---------------------------]